Rock and Roll Is From The Devil

Remember in the 80's when every day was Halloween? They all wore make-up and zombie torn clothes. I specifically remember cutting holes in my new jeans so I could look like the lead singer of Def Leppard in the video for "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I remember looking at Poison's first cd "Look What The Cat Dragged In" and thinking that there was a hot girl on the cover. Not even knowing the drummer was a guy who really made a hot girl. (See Below)

I was not unfortunately allowed to listen to such bands due to their obvious Satan Worship and desire to have me kill myself, so I had to enjoy in secret via dubbed tapes that had titles to Christian singers on the label, but sent forth some fierce drum beats and mind splitting guitar solos. Play them backwards and you may be told to kill someone, but forwards, they were golden. The day Striper came out and took the Christian music scene by storm, my mom was put on full alert by those in the church. "Rock and roll is the devil's music, whether sung by false prophets or Satan himself." I was banned from this as well. What was I supposed to do now? All avenues for me to rock out were stripped from me. So I started my own 80's metal band (Back then it wasn't called 80's metal, it was just metal) We called the band, wait for it......................................................................................................................................













Deathstone. We were the real deal Holyfield. We wrote our first song called "PoopStain" in my garage and set off on a whirlwind tour of our block. Our next single hit the charts with limited success called "My Comedies" and it was a rap rock song. I was way before my time, predating Limp Bizcuit, and Korn. This song didn't go over real well, due to the amount of profanities flying from the mouth of a 4th grader, but those that knew music, look to us as the saviors of the 80's. Remind me to tell you about the second time I revolutionized rock and roll with a band called "Objects Of Wrath."














™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Erebus

We went here last night for Rainy Day Joy's birthday party. Watching the video makes it look like the most horrifying experience ever. This is not true. We made the hour drive to get there while it was snowing. In October. We went in with high hopes and expectations. And to our dismay, we were let down. It wasn't scary, it wasn't really 4 stories of haunted house, only 4 stories of building, 2 of which you never see. We got in and out in about 15 to 20 minutes with no real scare at all. The illusions were cool. There were parts you thought you were on some ledge and the wall was closing in and pushing you off. There was this illusion with lights that looked like you were neck deep in water with things grabbing at your feet. It was fun, but not scary. Tonight is the youth group Halloween party, which is notorious every year for being gross, so we are excited about this years prospects. I love being scared. I love Halloween. Listed below are some of the best scary movies ever.




28 Days Later
28 Weeks Later
A Nightmare On Elm Street
The Exorcist
The Amityville Horror (The original)
30 Days Of Night
The Ring
Poltergeist
Simon Birch










™Zombiehaven 2007. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

My Special Purpose (The Clean Version)

Every day I get up and sit in front of that computer to work. The first thing I do is check this blog, then the email, then I google my name to see if anything I have done has made a difference. It is pathetic I know, but I do not think that I have done all that I was meant to do. I don't want my high school glory stories to be the biggest thing I remember, I want to do things that I can see making a difference. One of the drawbacks of being a youth pastor, is that you rarely see the results of what you do. Too often, you see progress in the students you have had for the last 4 years and then they go off to college and do some pretty dumb things, just to come home distant from God in their lives. There are a couple of cases where I can see the effects of what God is doing in this ministry, but it takes too long. I want results now. I want to be able to see these kids walk through those gates myself. I guess I want that for really, really selfish reasons though. It doesn't make my work any easier, it only brings my encouragement level up a bit, and sometimes my pride which isn't good to have any of.
I have this delusion that one morning, I'll get up and sit at the computer and Google my name and pages and pages come up. Maybe I did something awesome without knowing it. Maybe something I wrote or said inspired someone to change the world. Maybe I won some sort of prestigious award. In dealing with my inevitable death, I have begun to panic in realizing I haven't reached my own goals I set for myself, which is fine, but is it wrong to set really big goals? I don't think so. God says, in his heart a man plots his path, but the Lord sets his feet down. I think it is OK to dream big as long as we are willing to deal with the fact that those dreams may not be what God has in mind for you. Maybe this is what God has planned. I hope not, but it maybe true.
Anyway, I will now go back to writing my sentences. I have committed to writing 100 times, "It is pathetic to Google your own name every day."











™Zombiehaven 2007. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Our Weekend

This weekend was one of the best I have had in a while. Because of some very little things I have forgotten existed. Saturday. we went to see Gumby in the hospital (He has kidney stone problems...ouch). We got the opportunity when we went to get to go out alone for a couple of hours. My mom took the kids and we went driving around, not quite sure what to do with all of this time. So we went to a little pub in Downtown Wyandotte called R.P. McMurphy's. The place was like stepping back into 1992 during the height of grudge, yet still popular and awesome. We ate some food and started walking down the street to get ice cream, but turned around at the fear that God might kill us for going out for ice cream without the kids. We went home for a family nap and sat around the rest of the day. Sunday, went to church and came home and just sat down and watched a movie. It was so simple, yet so great. No fireworks or roller coasters, just me and Laura spending time together. We have both been under so much stress lately, which is our own fault due to our lack of faith in God. We forgot how much we like each other. We worry and worry and forgot that we enjoy every minute of each others company. I missed the kids as always, but we need to get out more.








™Zombiehaven 2007. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Flowers

If we are a mist that appears for a while, then vanishes, then shouldn't we be smelling the flowers every time we see one?





™Zombiehaven 2007. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Dating

I waited about a month after we started dated to kiss Laura. She wasn't an Evangelical Protestant Dispensationalist Christian yet (see her post about my missionary dating ministry) so I think she may have thought that was a bit odd. She was really hot, so my assumption was that she has many guys try to kiss her on the first date. Not me. We went to the cider mill, then drove around talking for hours. I didn't want to complicate things by making it a physical relationship before it should be. I had found that when I allowed that to happen, I lost a certain amount of interest in the person due to the inability to connect with the person on a higher level than endorphins. So we talked for a month or so until one night we went to the pier. I had planned to kiss her finally that night, but I was having a bit of the jitters, which is a side effect to waiting so dang long to kiss her. There was now this, it better be good, or maybe it will never happen and we are just going to be friends thing which was not acceptable to me. So I did the deed. I kissed her under a light that hung over the river. It was dark, so you couldn't even see the rats swimming, so that was good. She was not accustomed to the Detroit River yet. She looked up at me after I kissed her and said, "It's about time." I liked that, it showed my reluctance had not gone unnoticed. She saw a difference. A difference that eventually helped lead her in the direction of Jesus, whom she serves with all of her self now.
I do not buy into the fundamentalist oriented (I said oriented, so don't get mad, proponents) views of dating. Such as you must both be Christians, or you have to be friends only until you both are Christians, or I should kiss dating goodbye completely and court or whatever that even means. I just don't buy in to it. It was not done this way in the Bible. The families basically set you up with whoever benefited the guy the most back then. And everyone around was the same faith. For me, people are people who all need Jesus, and we all need love. So why not mix them together in an appropriate way (I am only a little bit kidding). If done appropriately, there is not problem with the person you choose to be with. I agree that it is easier to be with a person of the same strong faith however this can make you both lazy and do things that shouldn't be done until the proper time. When you are always making sure you represent Christ to the other so they can get an accurate view, it breeds the glorification of God. I do not prefer ministry dating, I was an idiot who was on thin ice, however, I do not think God slaps rules on this issue. However, I do think that it is probably best if you do not marry an unbeliever because the differences so often lead to divorce. Anyways this post was just going to be about when I kissed Laura, but then it blossomed into this irrelevant Zombie jumble.




™Zombiehaven 2007. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

The Healer

God has been quite a healer in my family for the last couple of days. Laura has been going through some pain that the doctors have not been able to diagnose. Over the past week, she had lost the ability to speak due to the pain, until yesterday, when God provided us a doctor who gave her some meds that seem to instantly reduce the swelling and pain. Nice. I have been struggling with my asthma for the past week and lately I haven't been able to sleep because I can't breathe. I went to the doctor, which is extremely rare for me and I was given some different meds, and I am now breathing much better. I take for granted the healer that God is. In my head because I haven't opened my eyes to see a miracle lately, I have lost a little faith in the desire to heal from God. So many in my life have died, yet I forget the people that have been healed, including myself and my mother in law twice from cancer. God is a healer and has the desire to heal everyone, but this for whatever reason does not happen. Lately I have been more open to the fact that we owe God the apology when those we love die. Not because we caused it, but because of the sin that is in the world. We were created not to die, but to be healthy and full of life. It was sin that ruined that. So it is reasonable to believe that God is deeply hurt when we die. Just like when Lazarus died. Jesus knew he was going to heal him, yet he wept. I think he wept because Lazarus was never intended to die. God hates death more than any other. He is our Father, and when we die, He hurts like He lost his son or daughter.
So many ask this question about God: "If there is a God, why all of the death?" In the Francis Chan book I cited yesterday, he says that He could just as easily ask us the same question. Why all the death. It isn't God that desires death, but it is a fact of life and death in a fallen world. And it won't change until Jesus restores everything. However, we still have a healer God who desires and often performs miracles for us and He probably hates it when we look right past them to the negative. It is like when we receive a gift from someone and look at it as the giver smiles and delights in our opening it. When we look at that gift, then throw it to the side in disappointment looking for something better. He probably hates that because we are missing out on something beautiful and perfect and denying Him the glory and joy of your happiness.
We must remember that God wants to heal. Prayer is not pointless, it is powerful. And we should place our focus on the gifts He has given us every day. Like when I drop my son off at school and as he walks up the path to the door (which still makes me want to cry) he turns around and says, "I love you daddy." What a gift! What a life. Yet I catch myself focusing on the negative, when there is so much positive, so many blessings, so many healings.




™Zombiehaven 2007. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

A Difference

A couple of days ago I attended the funeral of The Warrior. It had been months since she had been told she probably would not make it through the night. She was a warrior though and the doctors never take a Grizzly Bear seriously. At the funeral, so many stories were told by so many people. Her grandson got up and told about his memories of his grandma, whom he lived with for a while. He told about how much he hated getting up when she did at unreasonable hours to pray and read the Bible. He told us how much he hated it, but now realizes that his grandma was giving him not what he wanted, but what he needed. Through all of the stories of her witnessing to person after person and fighting the evils of this world relentlessly, it occurred to me that she had a large hand in my salvation. Jesus rescued me from train tracks, and there were others who fought for me too. But without that little old Grizzly Bear telling me that I was worth something to her and to God and that she would not stop praying for me every day until she dies made Jesus make sense. If it weren't for those people, I could have never connected that Jesus was a Savior now, not just 2 thousand years ago on the cross. He desired to heal me then and now. I want to be like that. In this book I am reading, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan (You have to read it, even if you do not listen to another thing I say). In this book, he talks about how many of us see life as one big movie about us and we live in that movie accordingly. But the truth is this movie has always been about God, we are extras. We certainly would not rent out a theater and show everyone we know and try to pop out of a limo at the premiere if we were just some extra in the background that no one will remember in time. We need to live as if God were the only story and live to glorify Him all of the time giving ourselves and wants and dreams to Him. Even when things are going badly. This is God's story. Become that Grizzly Bear with me.

Prosperity

This video is amazing! John Piper has his head screwed on. God delights in the way we act and worship in the midst of pain and suffering. Glory is brought to God more in sadness and troubles and suffering than when we have an abundance of things. I want to thank all of you who have been praying for me lately. There were particularly terrible things happening to us, and particularly insensitive people coming against us, yet God stood us onto our feet firmly and gave us strength. There is this old Petra song (Yes, the 80's Petra) that said, "If He goes before me, how could I ever lose, if He goes before me, before I ever begin, I know I'll win." I like this one, they have their heads screwed on straight. God has been glorified today. Today I saw the sun. Today, the zombie won one and it has been a long time coming. I thank God for always being in control, and never, ever allowing me to give up. I thank you for your prayers.

What We Protest

I went last Sunday to one of the 40 Days of prayer locations to sit and pray for the end of abortion. I have been milling around the internet and gotten some emails regarding Planned Parenthood's response to the 40 Days of Purpose campaign which is a peaceful campaign to pray for the end of abortion together across the country for 40 straight days. Nothing harmful, nothing violent, nothing shouted, just prayer. I have been reading the response to this campaign and I think some of the comments by those that are offended by this peaceful protest need a little bit of answering. There seems to be this opinion that people who protest abortion are protesting woman's rights. This isn't true at all. There is no desire for women to have their rights taken from them or subdued. The protest is against abortion alone. Not the people, the act of abortion. If there are some that are harsh and unloving, shame on them, but do not get confused with the purpose.

There are many who are going out and protesting the protesters to stick it to them so to speak. There is a distinct difference here in the protest. Those protesting abortion are protesting something that is currently allowed by law and it their freedom to voice their anger and disagreement with the government and it's atrocities, just like it is the American's right to protest the war or disagree with it. The difference here is that in protesting the protesters, you are protesting the right for people to speak out and disagree. Abortion is legal, so you are not protesting the government who made it legal, you are protesting the people's right to speech. So many comments, which only the ones that agreed with them were allowed to be posted, referred to the intolerance of Christians of a woman's right to choose. But isn't more intolerance to protest a person's right to disagree? And to voice that disagreement in a peaceful way? Agree with abortion or not, if you are an American, you have the right to hate or condone abortion. And you have the right to gather together and protest. The coin has two sides.

It is also important to note that those that hate abortion, do so because they believe. I believe it is murder. We don't believe it is any person's right to choose whether a person lives or dies. I personally do not believe in the death penalty, or agree that war is the best answer, so understand that I believe life is precious for all people. If the heart is beating, he or she is alive. There is no real argument to that. If your heart is beating, you are living. If it stops, you die immediately. So to stick tools into the growing baby and take it's life is ending that child's possibility of life and a future on earth. Pro-life supporters are passionate about ending death in children, not about trying to push women down. Once again for those that are trying to push women down, or do so in the process, stop it now, do not judge others, and protest in peace.

Never, ever, ever protest a person. Ever.

The Red Pill

One of the hardest things about being a pastor, or even a Christian is to learn to say only what will build up the church. There have been so many time I have wanted to say what I really feel, to be transparent to those that have walked on me. We are called to confront others that hurt us, but told to say only what is going to build them up, which sometimes means criticism in love. But what about anger? What about then the person hurts you and continues to hurt you. Does not apologize, and is not regretful for their actions? It breeds anger, and that anger can breed sin if let go. I have to learn to let things go. To say something to the person then walk away and let God deal with what that person needs to learn. The Bible says that those that are proud will be humbled and I have to believe that God has plenty of lessons planned for those that are proud, as He has had for me. Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and everything else will be added unto you. Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and everything else will be added unto you. Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and everything else will be added unto you. Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and everything else will be added unto you. I have to repeat this to myself over and over until the anger subsides and I am at peace again. Living how God wants us to live according to the Bible isn't always easy, especially when anger and other imperfect people are involved. It means putting the middle finger back in it's holster on the road, even when they drew first. It means definitely not saying the thing you know will cut another person low, even though you have been saving that little bullet up for a long time. It means apologizing for the dumb things you have said even in being right. Be the "Bigger person" and show the others by example how to act as Christ did in the face of conflict. There is a time to be silent, and there is a time to turn over tables. Make sure you choose wisely which pill to take. The Red or the Blue.

The Zombie Becomes A Punching Bag

Well today, I decided to try my hand at Mixed Martial Arts. There is a training facility down the road from me and I decided to give it a try. I am a fan of the sport, and it looks easy on TV, so why not. Today I officially became the stupidest man on the entire face of this earth. I get there and they stretch you out in ways I haven't been stretched. Ever. Then they stood us up and said we had to stand with (Fist fight) every guy in there. No matter yours or their experience or weight or lifestyle. I first fought the youth kid I brought (yes I brought one of my students). It was fun, not too bad a couple shots here a couple there, a little rope a dope. Nice. Then I fought this enormous guy who proceeded to punch my face over and over again sending me reeling backwards and eventually to the floor. He laughed, my jaw felt broken. I got up and he punched me in the face some more. By now blood trickled from my lower lip and I smiled with red teeth. Also, I had no mouth guard. We were to fight 3 three minute rounds, with a minute break in between, then switch opponents and fight another 3 then another 3. The electric fence felt like a massage compared to the terrific beating I took. We finally got punched in the face enough, so he made us do some Jiu-Jitsu which I have prided myself in all these years. We took turns throwing each other to the ground with all of our force then stomping on each others arms and ribs until we were "Mounted." If you don't know what that is, do not worry, I was not raped, however mounting is when the bad guy gets on top of you with his legs basically pinning your arms down, then he punches you in the face until you die or give up. After the torture was over, we did some more agonizing stretches and it was over and I was sent limping home to my wife whom new I was an idiot. But you know what? It was a test. I can see what the movie Fight Club was talking about. There is something liberating about being broken down physically, emotionally, and mentally. You are forced to fight and go to places in your head that you usually do not visit to muster up the strength to not give up. I took a lot of punches, and I bled, but I kept going. I kept coming at them and getting punched again. Most will say this is insanity, but I say it was a necessary test. It puts things back into perspective for me with all of this nonsense that is going on in my life. Like the bird that snagged that fish. Getting beat up in every way reminded me that I need God. I need to stop fighting on my own and look to God. When I was drained of any energy I had left, I thought about the things that God has brought me through in my life and this little thing, this stupid thing will not ruin me. It only took some blood and sweat and tears. No not tears. (I did not cry, even though I wanted too). I told you I would be focusing on the Grizzly in me.

The Grizzly Bear

Laura tells me tonight, well technically last night. "Honey, you don't need two tomato based meals a day." I was inquiring about going to Wendy's at about 10 PM to get a chili after eating spaghetti for dinner. I looked at her and realized just how much Grizzly Bear has been taken out of me. Maybe not by her, maybe I am out of practice, but I am slipping. So tonight, I am going for a run, then I am going to chop down a tree with my bare hand. I then will shred a beer can with my teeth, and dump it' contents over my head. Then I will sit down right next to Laura and eat 3 more tomato based products right in front of her without regard for her feelings on the matter. I will instantly grow more hair on my chest, and I am now beginning the miracle beard for Christmas. The Grizzly returns.


By the way, I just posted a SCRIPT I wrote for a short film. It's rough, but I like the concept.

Just Hop The Fence, I Said

I jumped off of the trailer of the hay ride undetected by those in the trailer behind us. My mission? To scare them until the children peed a little. My cohort and I run deep into the woods to sneak attack the second trailer through the cover of trees and the absence of moon light. We waited and waited, then lurched forward to the shrieks and dismay of the mark. They were horrified, so we were happy. We walked back into the woods trying to figure out how to get back to our original trailer. We passed some trees, then some more trees, then some carnivorous deer who were not at all afraid of our presence in their homes. After a while we came upon a fence. This fence looked harmless enough, some rusty old wires sagging down. Nothing I could not scale easily. So I straddled the fence and was about to swing my other leg over when I noticed a single tight wire just above the fence, previously gone unbeknownst to me. I grabbed it with my hand to push it up and to my horror I began shaking with such a jolt as to almost make me pee a little. The shock was not constant, but it was a single powerful burst of electricity that I almost passed out. In my life, I have been very gently struck by lightning, lovingly caressed with a coronary, and cradled by the branches of a tree as I fell through it to the ground. And now, I know what it feels like to be trapped in an electric fence. It sucks. My cohort by the way just stands behind me as if he knew that would happen and he asks, "What was that noise?" It was me in the electric chair, that is what it was. Why does this never happen to the cohort. I could go in and do something stupid with a hundred people and I will still the the only one to suffer the consequences. What?

Weird Things Continued

I also write fake headlines like in a newspaper about people who cross me. I have toyed with the idea of actually making the newspaper and posting it, but that is one of those things that Jesus frowns on I think. Laura and I laugh for hours about the headlines that could be made. I would give examples, but that would be an idiot move by me. I am trying to practice the turn the other cheek thing. I am doing OK in the out loud stuff, but unfortunately, God sees the inside too.

Let's Play Pretend

I think I missed the milestone you reach when you stop pretending and making up fake scenarios in your head about things. I live as if there were someone watching, I know God is, but I mean I live shallowy (if that is a word) like as if someone is watching. I make sure I am always dressed at home and in the car, I imagine being watched. I think there is a fine line between imagination and schizophrenia here. I will make up scenarios and they are usually scenarios involving the worst things, like if I died or my whole family died. It is weird, and sometimes I fake crying in the mirror to see what I would look like if I lost it. I play video game football and in the dynasty mode, I actually have a commentary on the games running in my head and it last well into the night after have put down the controller and go to bed, I call this time the post game, where I field questions and take criticisms from the fake media. I have fake arguments with those that oppose me, and get to say all of the things Jesus would disprove of, which is a lot. What kinds of things do you pretend?

The Wifey Throws Down

Finally Laura has a blog of her own. I just want to let you all know now that it is over the torment she has put me through. She hovers over my shoulder as I write, correcting grammatical mistakes and clearing up things I may say that are inappropriate and forcing me to give credit for my stories and my writing to her just because she told me that I should blog about it. However, now this poses a different and maybe even bigger conflict: If something funny happens, who will blog about it first, and who was better? I have 1 advantage in that I have been writing longer and for now have more of an audience. She has a distinct advantage because she is smarter than me. So here goes the blog wars at home. So to get a jump start on her dirt, I want you to know that when we met she was on probation. Also, she got suspended her senior year for fighting two girls at once (She punched their noses).

http://investilatoryjournalism.blogspot.com

A Nap

I wish I had a horse so I could ride it on the freeway in the fast lane holding up everyone from getting to where they want to go. It would be funny to hear a car horn honk at a horse. Or the horse takes a crap on someones windshield. Travel is kinda creepy though right? Imagine the coronary our forefathers would have if they were dug up and revived and rode in a car or on the subway. Not to even mention a plane, because I have a coronary ow on those. It isn't that I am afraid of crashing so much as I am afraid of crashing and surviving in the ocean and having to tread knowing there are sharks underneath scoping out the dead bodies. Nothing worse than being eaten by a shark. Nothing at all. So I avoid planes altogether. I think that if God had intended me to fly, I would do so without a man made contraption that breaks down. I know the odds, so don't come at me with that. The problem with the odds argument is that you can get into a car crash and probably you live. Maybe even just a little bumper bender or something. If you hit anything at all in the sky, we all die. They have the ejector seats in jets, why not in planes too? Seriously, where is everyone going all the time? We travel and travel and get nowhere. Sit down already. Take a breather. Take a nap. How good does a nap sound right now? Do it. Take one. At your desk, in your car, next to heater on the floor. Anywhere. Just lay down and take a nap and let the world deal without you for a while. I give you my permission.

An Old Woman's Tire

I once went on this date with this girl I worked with just before I met Laura. She had asked me to go with her to a wedding, which I feel uncomfortable going to. I have never considered weddings to be good first dates because you have to do the two things that you look most awkward doing: eating and dancing. I am good at the former, but the latter I must admit I have not mastered. Well I needed a suit, so I went to JCPenney. I didn't get the memo I know. I got the suit and hid the tags so I could return it later. On the way to the wedding, I got a flat tire on my car, which is the worst thing if you are dressed up. I changed the tire silently cursing to myself the entire time and went to her house pretty late. I was embarrassed for some weird reason to tell her I got a flat, so I lied and said that I had helped an old lady change a flat. Because how can she be mad at me for being late for changing an old woman's tire. Only thing was, I parked in front of her house with the stupid looking doughnut on my front tire in plain sight. I know she saw it. We later went to the wedding and was seated at the table with her whole family. Her father, I am pretty sure was John Engler, the former Governor of Michigan, sat across from me in this elitist tuxedo and asked me question and question about investments and mutual funds; none of which I knew anything about; all of which I lied about. He knew it, so did she. I sat between her and her mentally handicapped brother, whom I found to be quite charming and fun. Accept, he had this thing for kissing on the lips and continually kept trying to suck face with me. It was time for the dancing and I got up and flopped around like an idiot while her friends all watch and chuckled. We drove back to her house later and didn't speak much, I left and we didn't speak again. I didn't care though, she liked Ricky Martin. She didn't laugh at my jokes. She wasn't very interesting.

Transparency

Depression. It is hard on me, but in some ways even harder for those who love me. It is impossible to communicate a reason or purpose for it and I think the not knowing makes those who love us more confused and self conscious about themselves. So I will try and explain the way I see things when I am battling. I see things dull. The lights are dim, the colors faded. I see the sad in every face I see. I see only the bad, and dwell on it. Which brings me shame because there are so many with real problems, and that are going through things much worse who are able to keep their heads high. I kick rocks all day and lie awake all night. October is the worst month of the year for me for both good and bad reasons. I had a friend in middle school who hung himself in October. I tried to get hit by a train in October. However I also got saved in October, but that brings me sadness too because I miss being that passionate about something. I miss feeling the reality of my salvation and the love God has for me. I told my wife I loved her for the first time in October, followed by our first kiss, ro maybe the kiss was first. The way I feel right now is the way I felt when I laid down on those tracks, things haven't changed with my sadness. What has changed is the hope that God has brought me. I would never lay down on the tracks again because I know it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know that one of these days in a while, I will wake up to the sun and it will be over. But for now, things are sad. Worse than last year, worse than most years.

My son hit his head at the park and hurt himself a couple months ago and on the way to the hospital, he asked me with the most pitiful voice if he was going to be alright. I have found myself asking God the same question with the same uncertainty lately. The upside of the sadness is that it makes me work harder to see God. Things get blurry and I lose my sight of God's hand, which is terrifying to me. So I search harder for Him and searching for God is never a bad thing, however sometimes I wish He would open my eyes for me. I feel like I am calling for him in the dark and He isn't coming for me, He isn't speaking so I can follow his voice. I am one who has seen proof of God, so I do not doubt His existence, but I do doubt His hand often.


I have been talking to my youth kids about being transparent lately. Letting others see the entire you, even the bad, and especially the things that bring you sadness. Because these things glorify God more than our strengths do. Weaknesses are hard things to drag into the light for everyone to see because most of us are ashamed of them. I guess that is why I talk about my depression a lot. I feel shame for feeling the way I do and for not being able to at least give a reason for it, so I drag it into the light for others to see. That being said, I have another problem that I have never spoken with anyone but my wife and a therapist about. It makes me sad, and it hurts me emotionally and physically. I have always been horrored with the thought of talking about it, but I've got nothing to lose right now. I want nothing to hold me back. I have Tourettes Syndrome. I don't shout things out or say bad words or anything like that, but on the inside my nerves are wrecked. They send impulses to places in my body to move, thus a twitch. The issue is not as much the symptoms on the outside as they are the issues on the inside, although the external issues are sometimes bad. I will discuss this later. On the inside, I want to crawl out of my skin. I have done this my whole life and not once has any of my friends asked me about it. Which I appreciate, however I was taught that you are weird if you have it. People laugh at you, and always think the worst when they know someone who has it. I agree, at times it is funny. But the person who has it isn't laughing I promise you. So I don't talk about it and I think that the kindness of my friends has helped me keep it in and feel even worse. So I am dragging it into the light kicking and screaming. Because I do not want anything to get in the way of others seeing nothing but Christ in me.

On Day 13 Of My Funk

Is it a mid-life crisis, if you aren't middle aged and it has been going on since you could pee on the potty? My wife fears my eventual mid-life crisis like she fears the ghosts that cause clanging in your furnace. I can't say I blame her, because I have had this crisis (See the previous post for a description) going on for as long as she has known me. What will happen when I really am getting old. When I have to get prostate exams, and stress tests, and take Viagra. I think I have the potential to be a menace. I'll be the old guy with the print shirt that reads, Bubba's Tractor Repair, and through my hair that has been doused with product, you will see spots that are not as lush as they used to be. My wife says I will be one of those guys that don't get ugly with age, but get Shaun Connery like? I'm not so sure though. The thing I fear is that my head will shrink, but leave my ears and my already prominent nose to go through some sort of weird growth spurt. I'll keep going back the places I lived twice a week (Right now I go about once a week, no lie). I am only 30 and I feel like I am 20. I look like I am 25, so they all tell me. But why am I acting like I am 40? Anyways, that is one of the things that bring me pain.

On another note, I have begun my weird fall to winter rituals which includes some weird sleeping preferences that drive my wife crazy. Last night I slept on the couch with all of the windows open, the ipod on some sad, but peaceful music, and then turned on the heater for some warmth. I plan on the same tonight, because there is nothing better than waking up with morning dew in your hair from sleeping next to the window. Anyone know what causes such weirdness? Is it some weird, mother's womb depression or something. I sometimes imagine myself in the middle of the ocean, all alone in the middle of the night in a little dingy floating around. For some reason, this puts me to sleep, but if it really happened, I think I would be pretty scared. I assume that this has something to do with the unconscious comfort of the womb, being that the water is swaying, and I am alone and it is dark. Who knows. I will keep you up to date with my rituals as they develop.