Prior to my own attempt at suicide, Will used to tell me my eyes freaked him out. Will thought I might be the anti-Christ because they were always so empty. I never understood what he was talking about, I never saw it before. Until right now as I look at him. Last time I saw him, he was so empty, I took him from the CMB party just to get him into a new atmosphere, because his eyes freaked me out.
Going to see a guy today. Gonna sit behind his desk and tell him everything wrong with me. He will write some stuff down and put it in a folder for his cabinet full of trophies and sorrow. He will then tell me the answer I have been looking for my whole life and I will be solved. Or maybe he will help just a little. Either way, I have hopes. The mornings are the most difficult to deal with lately. It is a battle to get out of bed, a real battle. To get up, eat breakfast and venture down into the crypt I keep my desk in. This place has become synonymous for tears since Will died, it was the only place I could escape so I don't ruin the holidays for my kids seeing me fall into piles. It isn't getting any better, it just has changed. While before it was an outward sadness that was expressed through the inability to breathe at certain moments and weeping at others. Now it is underlying and crippling. There is weight in Laura and I. We carry it as gracefully as we know how, but weight is weight. My movements are slow, and my reflexes delayed. I guess this is what it feels like to lose a vital organ.
Things have quieted down around us, but we still sit silently in the valley of the shadow of death wishing we could take it all back and change everything. Instead we are trying to finally put his body to rest on Sunday. Finally. It bothers me so much that his remains are still in transit, but we found a beautiful place to lay him down. A place surrounded by water, a lighthouse, and a bridge. It will make an excellent place for me to hide. I miss my friend so much.
Sing.
Migrate.
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adam, i am not sure why life works out the way that it does. i often wonder why God chose to rescue me from myself and not other people who appeared to be way better. i am sure you are battling a lot of demons right now and trying to not listen to all of the lies...just remember that, for whatever reason, God chose life for you. your faith is inspiring. i love your transparency. i am so sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeletethank you for sharing will's story and your love for him.
God is a mysterious God. hopefully will is resting in His arms...i pray that he has been filled...
I pray for you everyday.
ReplyDeleteEven if you can't pray, I will pray for you. I am sure that take any saddness away or change how heavy you are. But, I want you to know that someone out there is praying.
...the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.
ReplyDeleteHe's there praying for you both with the rest of us.
I remember these stories. Joe jumping in front of a train, when you guys were on that shooting spree, when you DIDN'T get caught! (I still can't believe that one). Remember driving the van like crazy people in the school parking lot and getting detention. EVERYDAY! I also remember the tremendous amount of love that the three of you shared. You were brothers. I remember hanging out in your room upstairs coming up with stupid games!! Will was great. I am sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone.
ReplyDeleteKelly, remember when I hit Danielle's car in that lot. I think you peed your pants
Big Hugs!
ReplyDeleteFinding it hard to find the right things to say...
Sometimes it just leaves someone speechless...cause you know no matter what you say, it doesn't bring your loved one back... when my loved ones passed away a hug said and meant everything.
Hugs
Terri