Tears today. Inside of a box is another box that keeps the remains of my brother together. We said some words that meant everything to us and walked away to our cars and drove away. I tried not to focus on the weeping coming from behind my seat as my son sat destroyed. I watched every tree limb as we passed through the winding maze and out through the gates that closed behind us shortly after.
Absolutely no stars out tonight. Nothing. The night is empty and quiet. People are in their beds sleeping, getting energized for another work week. Kids are excited because tomorrow there is no school. TV's flicker unnoticed and lamp bulbs dim, flare, and dim again. All the while, the guy I slept next to throughout high school is inside of a box. Just like on Christmas Eve. I know he isn't in there. He just isn't here fully either. And all remains silent.
I want to hire mourners like they commonly did in Biblical times. I want to get real wailers too, ones with strong pipes. I want to march them all out with me into the streets and scream together. I want the entire city to know what we lost. I want them all to weep with me. I want to end all silence in these streets. I want to wake up the neighbors kids. I don't want them to hurt, I just want them to understand what it means to care so much about another person. If everyone cared like that, most of the horror of this world wouldn't happen. But mostly I just want to shout so that he can here it. I am sick of wining about it here, but it is all I got.
Sing.
Migrate.
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Monday, January 18, 2010
A Box
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
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don't stop sharing.
ReplyDeletehave you ever read something that was so sad yet beautiful at the same time?
this post, although very said, was so beautiful, adam.
i look at the love that you have for will and can see just a glimmer of the love that God has for us...if broken people can love like you do, just imagine how infinitely better His love is.
you will get beauty for these ashes, my friend.
keep plugging away.
Thanks Mandie. You are an encouragement to me
ReplyDeleteWe are weeping with you Adam...although we did not know Will, from everything you have shared thus far..it feels as though we did...so please do keep sharing your heart and soul here on your blog, not only is it helping you to grieve(and also celebrating his life by sharing the memories) it is helping many others including me...in knowing that we are not alone at all in the losses we have all had at one time or another in life... that we have one another to lean on and most of all to just listen.
ReplyDeleteLighting a candle in memory of Will tonight... Rest in Peace Will!
Hugs
Terri
Grief is not wining.Your pain is real and raw and it is where you are right now. It is the only place you can be. So be there. Be in your grief. Be in your pain. And we will be with you.
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