1:20 Am. Day wasn't quite as bad as I feared it would be. Will's mom stopped by and gave me a necklace and cross she bought me with a little of Will's ashes inside. That was really kind of her. Got to speak to an old friend for a while, which was also nice except for the circumstances in which we spoke...obviously. Caeden was watching TV and I was having a conversation with Aevry about Jesus being inside of us when he started to cry really differently than I usually see him cry. Took him a minute to get out the words, "I miss Will." But when he did, I held him. He didn't react at all when Will died, even after witnessing the phone call on Christmas morning. It worried me a bit that he acted as if it didn't phase him. It did phase him. Took him a minute to realize uncle Will wasn't coming back, ever, but it affected him. He cried like a baby for a while and I tried to joke and be an idiot to cheer him up, and it didn't work, so I got him M&M's. I thought the night was going to be a miserable one, but Laura stayed up late with me and we watched TV together which took my mind away for a while. Now I sit here alone and the house is sleeping.
It is weird to go on with the day and be distracted until you realize your brother has just killed himself. I go ahead and do the dumb thing by picturing his face and draw pictures of him in my head as he struggled to keep himself from that rope, but I can't help it. But I think I am going to be OK. I am still alive, and I still have this wife of mine and these kids and a family like no other. Most of my family has no blood relation, but are as close as any other family. God has blessed me and given me so much. It is hard to not have regrets, but regrets do not bring back anyone, just make you miserable. It is my family and friends that are God's instruments to bring me back home into the warmth. I said in a Facebook status before Will's funeral that these next few days were going to change me. I think they did, but I think through all of this fire, I just may come out better. I may end up a better person and husband and father and friend. I may think about everything differently. The only problem is the fire that is yet to come.
Sing.
Migrate.
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Saturday, January 16, 2010
The Fire
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
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Slowing Down
ReplyDeleteSlow my pace, Lord. Slow my life. Come sit by me at the well. I am exhausted.
Give rest to my heart; bring calm to my feelings. Come, lead me to the mountain. I am empty.
Give me these hours the leisure to be still that I savor the quiet of rolling hills, tasting the presence of the Divine.
Bring me from the running of the day and the doing of the duties to the sitting in the evening to know the reward of being.
Set aside the problems of mind; soothe the aches of the heart; give rest to the body that I hear the music of my being and know a quiet that allows the soaring of the soul.
Be gentle, Teacher, teaching the truth of being. In gentleness, command: "Silence!"
In stillness embrace my spirit and re-en kindle with love...and opening the embrace give freedom to the soul.
Slow my pace, Spirit of Love, breathe into my being, Word....and with a mighty wind blow the incarnate word to the ends of the earth.
Monsignor Bernard Powers
I know it has been a long time since I have had time to post a comment, but know it has not been a long time since you have been in my prayers. Love ya brother. Blessings and Peace.
ReplyDeleteHow sweet of Will's mom, I know you will cherish her gift to you!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it takes a little longer for kids to understand loss, or alot of times they keep their feelings inside...so glad your son was able to open up to you...
You are a great daddy Adam!
Hugs
Terri