Will "The Body" Doederlein

I do not know how to write this blog. In every way, my words defeat me.


I watched men put my best friend's body in the back of a truck on Christmas. I watched his kids scream, his wife fall apart, his mother in hysterics, his father nearly collapse. He was my brother in every way. I slept beside his 10 foot long, skinny bed most of high school. I called him "The Body" on this blog.

Right this moment I cannot even breathe. Every corner of my house, my neighborhood, my heart holds his ghost. I walk by the wash tub and there is his deep hand soap hanging in a zip lock bag he was so particular about. I look at my garage and I see him laying under a car covered in grease determined to fix it. I pick up my guitar and I see him standing behind me playing the bass, singing back-up. We both looked up to each other. He refused to move away from Michigan for a better job, just because he refused to move away from me. I loved him for that. My wife loved him for that. Now she is juggling grief for me and grief for the loss of her friend Will too. My kids loved their uncle will. The below picture is when Caeden broke his femur and wanted so bad to jump on the trampoline with the rest of the kids. His uncle Will scooped him up and held him and jumped for him. He saw beauty in kids he did not see in this world...he had the heart of Jesus.

We could speak to each other in looks alone, there were no need for words. Last Saturday his look told me he was going away, but he said nothing. He said goodbye in his own way, telling me he called just to hear my voice. The next day he hung himself by the neck. I have no idea how to say goodbye. He is part of me and I am deflated and empty.

Just before I tried to kill myself, I drank until I would pass out every night. Will worked the night shift and would come over every day after work and pick me up off the floor and help me to my bed. He would sit in the recliner until I was sleeping or he would sleep at my house in that chair like a watch dog, guarding me from myself. Will was selfless, though most can only shout about how selfish he was. And he was. He didn't see it that way though. He saw himself without hope of life and needed to leave to allow his family and friends to be happy. Oh my God, he could not have made a bigger mistake. But as my pastor said through tears at his funeral. Nothing we can do is more powerful than the cross. I believe Heaven gets him now, and he can smile again.

Tonight I was escaping upstairs, staring out the window. Tears started to fall and run down the glass as I stared at the Christmas lights that have lost all beauty to me. My little girl came up to me holding a little plastic heart and gave it to me, telling me she had one too. She then told me again that Uncle Will was with Jesus. She knew I needed a new heart right now, mine has been shattered into shards. Jesus speaks to me through my little girl who seems to be able to hear Him more than I ever could.

My praise for God is broken and silent. I cannot sit and pray for long periods of time, because I cannot stop myself from anger, even though I know that God is perfect all the time. I get so mad because He saved me when I wanted to die, and can't understand why He didn't save Will. I am angered because He didn't give me insight into what was really happening in Will's eyes. I was such a fool. I could do nothing and can do nothing. Yet I still know He is perfect and is with me and Will's family.

Will came over on his birthday because he was so down that evening at the CMB party. We wanted to get him into a smaller crowd so he could relax. We had so much fun that night. He was like he was normally. Nearing the end of the night, he sat by my desk taking picture after picture. He knew that night and wanted to leave me with those memories.

God I miss him so much. I never knew a person could hurt this much. I have no idea how to be the same man my wife married. I can say nothing more today.











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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

True Christmas

I came across this tree while exploring in the hills by my house. Under the tree, was all of the belongings of a homeless man. This is what Christmas is about. He didn't have money, he didn't wait in lines for a Wii, and didn't overpay for a zu zu pal or whatever it is called. He laided under that tree and relied on Jesus. Made a Christmas tree out of what he could find and celebrated. Under that tree we found an empty bottle of whiskey, maybe he drank to old times, maybe he remembered when he was a kid and waited eagerly to rip open that wrapping paper...or maybe he never got that luxury. But he did celebrate Christmas the way it should be celebrated, with an empty pocket, looking up at the same sky Jesus did. He found a way, without charging everything. This wrecked me. I worried so much about getting a Wii for my son and was so excited to see him open it, while this guy is excited if he can see another day. It is cold in Michigan, yet he digs up his blankets from the snow covered hill and lays down on them every night, probably wishing his life were completely different, wishing he were us. Me. I believe today, Jesus smiles more on that guy than He does on me.

We fight so hard to fight off the awful feelings we have when we encounter a person who lives the life we have nightmares about. We try to tell ourselves, they deserve it for eating drugs or drinking themselves poor, but sometimes it is us who are in poverty of the heart. Maybe we need to feel for them and do what God says to do for them...love them more than you love yourself. What would you do if you were them? Fix everything, right? Why not try, even if they do not want help?

I am not preaching because I fail at the same thing I am writing about every day. My dream is to care for them as Jesus would, no matter what it meant.















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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

The Middle Of The Night

I have always wanted to make something beautiful out of something ugly. I feel like that is what it really means to follow Christ. To do as He did. To make ugly things beautiful. He took a moment when we all would seek revenge and gave Peter the keys to His church, gave him His Bride. The prodigal son came home nasty and stinking of filth and sin and his father embraced every ugly bone on the kids body. I like that God embraces every ugly bone on my body, especially when I have come home filthy with rot. I want to do that too. I will never fully understand my own brokenness but He embraces me broken and slowly repairs. Then I fall in love with my brokenness and He tears me down more so He can rebuild again.

Pooft

So I wake up and it was gone. As if it was never here. I have recovering to do and I have restoration coming, but pooft...gone. It is the weirdest thing when this happens. I fully expected after being on this depression bender for 3 months that gradually it would leave. Not to be so. I popped open my eyes and wanted to get up today. No coaxing myself that there are really good reasons to face the world, none of that stuff. Just got up, smiled and had a good day. The wife is happy, I know that.

I have missed writing so I will be doing more of that. I even thought about finishing that zombie script I was working on.

God is good even when everything else is lousy and you got nothing. Christ will never lose on of the sheep given by His Father. That is comforting.








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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Snow, Then Rain

Everyone has expectations of who you should be or who you are. They create them in part the moment you meet. It really isn't a fair thing to do; to make this image of a person in your mind and expect them to be what you have wrapped them up to be. When you prove you can never be that person, they walk away citing that you weren't the person they thought you were. This makes that person try harder to live up to what others want them to be instead of being who they really are. Human. So full of flaws you cannot even decipher the idea of where to start. It makes the person want to forget who they are for a while and be who everyone else sees, but this isn't transparency, this is a lie that the Father of Lies uses to ruin a person.

I am tired of always trying so hard to live up to what people and myself expect. I am underachieving. I should be more. I should have accomplished more, and I should be a different person than who I am.

I yell at God for this, not because He did it, but because I have no idea how to change it or what the problem really is. I really would love for a person who has done the same lonely and strange things to show me a different way to think. I have everything a person could ever want out of life and I love it with more words than English can muster, but I am missing something and have no idea what it is. Maybe I have more issues to deal with that I have put aside all my life. Maybe I am just broken and sad and grieving for the world, like the Bible said we may do. I do not know.But what I know is that I can't remember the last time I cried or showed some kind of feeling at all. I just plod through.

Rom. 8:22   We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.









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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Seeing Me

"What I have means nothing at all, compared to Your glory." The Glorious Unseen

It isn't enough to let people see what you want them to see. Show them your entire hand. Play the cards with everyone knowing what you are exactly. This is real fear. Letting everyone see the person you hate the most, which when being honest is usually ourselves. Pretending your not broken will glorify no one. It is how we handle ourselves during suffering that glorify God. Do we crumble or do we fight? Do we allow our brokenness to define us or do we allow our failures to shine in the light of what God is doing in us? I will choose the latter.






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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake

Sorry I haven't been writing. I was under the impression that the joy that I felt after I was hit would last forever. I really felt that way, if not just trying to feel that way. But here I am. Still here. Still basking in the grace and glory of my God, yet destroyed inside. It has been just over two months since I have felt ok and I don't want to write all the time when I am down. I don't want to sit and whine all over the internet, puking downers all over your monitors. So I will write about it a little, then back off. The stupid thing is, these are the times I really feel like writing.

Sorry for the last post, I meant it to be a joke, not condemnation, but maybe the joke isn't funny. I will and always will hate when people get into cars while drunk, if you do it, you are doing a very stupid and selfish thing. However, I do not know the woman I was joking about, so it was wrong of me to poke fun of her.

On a lighter note, my mom pulled out my old report cards on Thanksgiving so she could show my wife what a jerk was throughout my entire life, not just now. I can't believe she even still had them. The grades were average, ridiculously average and all of my teachers made a note of that. "Adam is much smarter than this." "If he would stop talking and apply himself, he would be golden." "Adam is a constant distraction, but he is a joy to have around." Stuff like that. My wife told me nothing has changed. She would be right.




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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Awesome

I go to pick up Caeden from school. When I get there a woman parks her car next to me and keeps looking at me and smiling. I awkwardly turn the other way, and get out of the car and head to the school doors to wait there. She follows. She stands next to me and tries making small talk about the weather or something boring and stupid like that. Her kid comes out first and I am relieved because now she will leave. I got Caeden a few moments later and walk back to the car to find her still sitting in hers. She smiles at me as I glance away. I put my car in drive and start to drive off and as I do I glance over to check for traffic and she is taking a self breathalyzer. Stay classy Southgate.






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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Spooky

Last night while walking some train tracks with some friends, we happened upon a human bone, the humerous to be exact. It was laying in just the right spot you would expect to find the bones of a dead person, and it seemed to have been sawed in half. Really weird, no one will believe it as usual, however, this time I have 3 witnesses, so for my skeptics who think I actually make this stuff up or exaggerate (Laura) I have proof. We called the police and they came and got it. Spooky








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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Time Elapse

I will write again, just not today.








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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Change

What do you think of change? Not coins, but environmental, mental, geographic, proximal?


I have been accused of looking completely different if you go more than 6 months without seeing me.

I will have started a new hobby...playing ice hockey is my current new thing even though I still cannot stop on skates. Last quarter's was cycling. I was training for racing, then I was struck by a truck and now cycling is out of season and I haven't the money for a new bike.

I will have grown or shaved a beard.

I will be wearing something different every time.

I will possess music you have never heard before that will blow your mind. And show you movies that you will immediately buy.

I will be trying to quit saying something, or excessively saying something too much. Words like Amazing, and TWSS. My current word used too much is dah. Ex. I had so much fun on Halloween, trick or treating was just.....Dah.

I need change. I really like it. I will go crazy without it, but I am somewhat of a mental case, so I can't always trust my emotions as being normal. What do you think? Is change a catalyst for excitement and vigor, or does it bring dread and terror to your life. Or somewhere in between?

Laura has a job where most days are different somewhat. She visits doctors and deals with all new problems. She would rather do data entry.













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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Worm's Tribute

Last night was our 9th annual Halloween party at the youth group. One of my students who I have had from middle school until now, a year after she has graduated came dressed as me. It was really weird and uncanny how much she looked like me, even my mannerisms she had down. I never realized what a caricature I am. It was so funny. She could have been anyone else in the room and no one probably would have known who she was. But because I am the way I am, everyone knew right away. I saw her walking up the street and immediately started laughing. She walked like me, talked like me, gestured like me, did odd stances like me, spoke loud like me, leaned on other's shoulders like me, stroked her beard like me, and so on.

Thanks worm for the tribute.











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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

I Want To Learn To Sway With The Trees

"It's 3 AM, I must be lonely."

As good as I have felt over the last couple of months, is as bad as I feel now. It is ripping my heart out. I have never been closer to my God, never been so observant of God's Spirit, never tasted more of the Heavenly gift. But now, I don't feel much at all. Depression still comes and it still tears away the joy of being redeemed.

I realize we go through times of trial and testing, but I had really hoped the joy would stay, the hope would be a remnant of what I have in my God. But it didn't. So here I am at 3 AM typing because I don't have the voice or heart to speak it.

God has changed every fiber of me. I think differently, even now, which brings me some peace. He has chosen to keep me sick with depression, for His reasons. But I still hate it...and love it. I hate that I love it. I hate that sadness makes me feel comfortable. I hate that I feel the need to write about it. I feel like a fool doing so because I have just spent the last 2 months telling everyone how God has changed me and how beautiful life is.

He has changed me, but has chosen not to change this. That's OK with me, if it is what God will is for me. I know He doesn't want me to suffer and I know it tears His heart out, but it must be done. It must be done to all of us in one way or another. We must be tested and tried and we must taste some defeat to see what victory really is.

I have been a believer in my Lord now for 12 years. Over the course of that 12 years I have been constantly struggling to keep it together. To keep myself from unraveling and shaming Christ. With God's strength I have grown through all things, and will continue to grow, because if I have learned anything, it is that God will never be finished with me, because I am His son. I just feel so ashamed to feel this way. So dumb to be writing about it, so selfish to put my wife through it. She can see it better than anyone. She always knows even when no one else does. But I force myself to write about it, to share it with others, disregarding my humiliation because I don't want to lie. I don't want to be fake. If you hate me, it is going to be ME that you hate, not some other guy who tries to say all of the right things.

But I do have hope. I do see the other side of the storm. I do remember where God has brought me from. I do know people care. I do know that life will continue and cars will pass by carrying people just like me going to places I have never been. This thought is nice.

I am going to imagine my van tonight and try to sleep.








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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Camel

Mark 10:17 As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
18 “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. 19 You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
20 “Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”
21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 22 At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.


This passage isn't just about money. The man asks what he has to do to be saved, and Jesus tells him it will cost whatever you aren't willing to give. That's why the man walked away so sad. I like to think he had a change of heart sometime later in his life and gave every dime of that money to the poor, but people are people, so I can't be too hopeful.

Some aren't willing to give our money, some aren't willing to give our time, some aren't willing to give our pain, or loneliness, some our prejudices. Whatever it is that you hold on to and will not give up for God, those things are your idols, your very own golden calves. Even our families. We must realize that our families are not our own, they are God's, given to us, by Him.

Later...

Mark 10:26 The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?” 27 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

We inherit the kingdom through God's merit and sacrifice, not ours. But that does not excuse our unwillingness to give all you are to God.

My difficulty is with my loneliness and the many ways in the past I have chosen to bring myself comfort. I smoked for years and in time that cigarette became my best friend and I always thought, "Well I still have you." Alcohol was it for a time before I knew God. It helped me sleep, but also in excess was rotting my insides. Substances are an attractive way to cope, but become the most dangerous, thus why I had to come to Jesus on these things. Whatever the vice, they are all silly substitutes for the real deal. Jesus wants us to come to Him and rely on him for comfort, even if it means having to give up something that carries emotional bonds in your mind like cheap substitutes often do. Whatever it is, submit to God, rely on Him, and be free.










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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Sleep Aids

My latest two sleep aids.


So I have a couple of peculiar new scenarios that I have been using to get to sleep, and these two might be the most effective yet. But they beg the question WTH is wrong with me? Seriously. I will post the two scenarios for the psychologists in the room to analyze what they mean.

1. I sleep in a conversion van with a mattress in the back. I am wanted by some kind of devious government agency and I am in some kind of hiding. It has to be winter time and snow has to be covering the van. The van, when running is charging a battery that will run the small TV, radio and heater all night long. I am alone in the van and hidden from the danger of being found.

2. I am also on the run, but in this one, my family is with me and we are hiding in my house in a war torn area that has been deserted. We stay only in the bedroom and have made a secret trap door under the bed that would hide us under the floor in the case of the authorities searching the place. We seem to be safe.


Seriously, why do these messed up scenarios put me directly to sleep? I think it is odd that I am always in some kind of danger from the outside world, but can never be gotten, but haven't the foggiest what that means.











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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Blah

Down today. Exhausted from last week and really would like to rest. I took yesterday off, but had the brakes in the car go out completely. Fixed the front two with money I didn't have just to find out the back was the biggest problem as I watched my brake fluid I put in leak all over the ground. Can't fix back brakes, don't know how, can't afford it, don't have the money for a couple weeks. Blah Blah Blah. I was also told I was surrounding myself with the devil, which was nice, because I sang karaoke at a bar in Detroit for Laura's work. Posted it on FB and in came some very ugly comments that I have deleted. I don't get it, why can't people just live and glorify God the only ways they know how and let God's Spirit do the rest? People seem to be content chained up. But for me and my house, we are free!

People seem to have a lot of fun attacking others without knowledge of their hearts or lives at all. It is weird because I have never had a conversation with either of these people and yet they seem to think they know that my heart is evil and live a double life because I went to a bar and sang a song.

It just shows me that we still have a long way to go in the faith and need to continue firm and solid education into God's Word.











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™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

I Can't Sing Loud Enough

So Phil Wickham has a new cd coming out and is offering it early on his website. There is this song called "Cielo" where he sings the chorus "I can't sing loud enough, when I am singing to you my Lord." Then later "I can't bow down low enough" Then "I can't reach my hands high enough." This is how I feel today.

If you ever saw "Pursuit of Happiness" you will remember the scene in the end when the guy gets everything he was working so hard and stubbornly for. His eyes fill with tears and he proudly marches down the New York business man streets clapping with joy. I think this is touching because we all long to get what we have always wanted, what we have yearned for all of our lives...Our wedding day, our resurrection, our children's birth. I feel like God had to run me through fire to clean me off, to prepare me for His work. I have been a youth pastor now for 8 years and have always felt this passion for those that are hurting, for those who have been broken into shards, but only now do I really get it. Real joy is really knowing that your life has been lovingly spared for greater purposes, even if just love, the greatest of all. There was that scene in "Fight Club" where Tyler Durden scares the guy and makes him think he is going to die so that when he is spared, life will all of the sudden be beautiful. That is a lot of truth right there. But for me, it isn't being saved from death that does it for me, it is being saved from death by my loving maker...just because He loves me. That is the joy that we need to share with those who don't yet know Christ. The joy that makes you want to clap proudly through the streets for your God and Savior, shout from roof tops...the joy that makes rocks feel compelled to cry out... the joy that makes it Heaven to worship God in His presence eternally.

I know what I am turning into. I am turning into one of those cheese balls that don't seem to know they are acting a fool. I am becoming who I used to avoid, because of my pretension. I am becoming the man God wants me to be.









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I've Made A Lot Of Mistakes

We are a people full of mistakes, but if we never made them, how would we know if we ever got anything right. I fear that I never get many things right. I wish I could go back right now and apologize to every person I have hurt, and I know that number is significant. But I can't, some are gone...long gone.

When I surrendered to Jesus I was dating a stripper at the time. It was a new thing, so I had no real attachment to her except that I got the pain she wore all over her face. I wasn't even attracted to her, there was just something about a broken person that I could always identify with, and still can. I broke off any chance of a relationship with her when I was saved because I wanted no temptations in my life. I wanted to save her though. I knew Jesus did the saving but I wanted to be a part of that, His vessel. So for the next several months, I picked her up for church an hour away and took her out for coffee to talk about God, and God was working! She was excited, she was changing her mind! She even went and bought Christian cds to dance to! But then she embarrassed me. She interrupted our church service a few times and asked all of the women to pray for her to dance really well that night to make more money to get her child back from it's father. I felt for her, but I was pissed. Shame on me. I walked away. Told her I was done and walked away. She called a few months later to tell me she was moving out of state. She said it with such sadness and seemed as if she didn't want to go, she wanted hope back, she needed a friend. I told her good luck and hung up the phone. Most days I remember that. I was green in the faith and had lot's of issues to work out, obviously arrogance and pride were two of them. I get sad when I think about her. I know God controls all things and things go the way they go, but that doesn't get me off the hook for my judgment. She needed gentle correction followed by loving restoration and she got me.

Andrea, if you ever find this obscure page by accident or because God brought you here...I am so sorry. Please do not judge who God is because of what I did and I still pray for you.










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Where Is My Generation?

George Barna, a Christian statistician, say's that 20 somethings are the least likely people in America to attend a church service. This is no real shock as churches around the country have really struggled to reel this age group into lasting service in the church. College is an obstacle as well as juggling schedules, but what bothers me is the fact that so many of the reason's that the 2,000 plus polled gave for not attending had nothing to do with theology. It was things like school, work, etc. Some said the church had nothing to offer them, some said churches were outdated and irrelevant to society. These were the alarming statistics to me. School and work...Whatever. There are campus churches, and there are bodies in the college towns to get involved in. The Church should be first, not attended if you have some extra time and aren't tired from a long week. But to say the church is irrelevant is sad and misguided. The vast majority of the world's services are performed by that "irrelevant" Church. People are fed, crippled are cared for, homeless are sheltered, addicts are counseled and held accountable, hospitals are run, food programs, children are adopted, abortion is fought, art is made, and I do not have the time to write the rest. These are all services necessary for our civilization to function. Christ is at work in all of these things. To say the Church is irrelevant is ignorant. To say that it offers you nothing is an incorrect way of looking at the Church. Do you leave your family because they offer you nothing, or perceive it that way? No. You get involved and care for them, such should be done with the Church. We all know the famous speech by President Kennedy, when he says "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country."

The same should be said of our churches. We have the tendency to blame the church when we are confronted by people for sin or for our wrong thinking. He hate to be told we are wrong because we are proud, so some of us get angry, shake our fists to the Church and walk away, citing the Church's judgement. We then preach how the Church is close minded and judgemental all because we are too proud to be confronted. Whether the confrontation came in love or not, if it is true, it is true. Jesus was not always gentle in his criticism, He was loving, but He was also sharp at times. Like responding to Peter with, "Get behind me Satan." Truth is truth. Get over it.

Then there are those that cite the Church as boring or just not my style. Wow. Read the Bible, the service described was not packed full of entertainment. They were readings from scrolls. Sounds fun. But it was never all about the format, it was the relationships, and I fear these are what people fear the most and avoid.

Then there are those that never give anything they don't like the idea of, a fair shake. reject it from the get go, and say really dumb things about people who worship.


The point is, the Church is Jesus' bride. His most beloved work. His blood.

How can we walk away and say such things? People are imperfect, but the Church is perfect and should be our greatest mission.










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Weak

You know what is weak? Broccoli. Even weaker? People who live life as if there were no consequences. People who recklessly trample all over another without thought, regard, or apology. A person who probably knows they did it and was wrong, but will never low themselves to apologize. That's so weak.


I can't and won't even talk about the people in the last few years that have just walked all over me without a moment of concern that I have feelings. I won't talk about them because slander is weak. Instead, I will choose to understand that people are people and will always be people who operate on their insecurities and will do whatever necessary to fortify their vulnerability. But as for me and my house, we will remain vulnerable for attack. Because we put ourselves out there. I don't care if people trample me. I don't care if people hurt me. Because I can honestly say that if I am wrong, I do apologize and correct my mistakes. If I am not than I am suffering as Christ suffered. And I rejoice in that. When we expect pain as Jesus told us to, we are not too disappointed when people hurt us. We see it coming because we live putting no one on pedestals. When we get hurt, we forgive, and turn our other cheek to be hurt again. This is the Christian way, because retaliation is weak.

I wish I could say I easily forgive, but I don't. It is a process that I have to practice. Avoiding slander and negative thoughts is a good start. Then add understanding and love to that and you make forgiveness...eventually. I can honestly tell you that the times I have suffered have given me thicker skin.

If you are an abuser and have to show your aggression on others to mask your insecurity. Stop it! That's weak. If you are frequently abused and hold it all in and slander the perpetrator. That's weak too. If you want to drop the gloves with every person that gives you the stink eye. Weak.

Take a step back. Analyze any credence to what the person is saying. Repent of any valid sin, make it right, move on. If there is no credence. Just forgive.












Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Control

There is a certain amount of comfort for me to sit in an environment that's cold, freezing even, windy, completely dark, and totally silent. Sitting under a big blanket, with a heater blowing on my lower half does it for me, it puts me to sleep, and it gives me comfort. It is strange for me, But I think it is because out there are things that are harsh and I cannot control them, but in here, I have complete control. I can think of several of those kinds of vices I have used in my life. When I smoked, I would just light a cigarette when I felt things spinning out of control or I felt vulnerable. After a while, the cigarette was the best friend and go-to-guy. But it was killing me, so I quit. There was alcohol. I had horrible nightmares in the months prior to trying to kill myself of me dying every night. They were the most real feelings I had ever had and the feeling would stay with me all day. So in fear of these nightmares, I would try to make my brain not work right by shredding it up with alcohol. So I would get drunk every night and that would put me to sleep spinning and the dreams sometimes wouldn't happen or I wouldn't remember them, but I got tired of waking up lousy. So I tried to kill myself, when that didn't work, I placed my trust in Jesus, so I quit the things that were destructive to me.


And I did place my trust in Christ, I had no other options. I had nothing. I had no one that could point me the way out of misery. So I trusted God, much like the guy in the Bible who out of desperation and lack of any options left told Jesus, "I believe, help me to overcome my unbelief." That is moving to me because most days this is how I pray, because this is how I feel. I want so bad overcome my doubt in Christ, but it lingers from time to time. Not doubt that He exists, I would be a monkey to deny that, but that He wasn't going to leave me.

Time to hear more about Z's daddy issues.

I would be remiss if I didn't try to explain why I feel the need for these comforting things. Why to sleep I imagine myself on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with engulfing waves over me, but completely safe from the turmoil. Things like that.

Some kids are untouchables, as I learned in traumatic psych class. They get beat up on, left, raped, abused, or whatever the horror story is and come out of it seemingly unscathed. I have truly met a couple of people who seem to have found a way to leave all of that baggage behind. I did not leave it behind. I carry it and try to give it to God. My dad left with no reason. Never met him. Probably never will. But it has occurred to me that I have some control issues going on inside me because I am vulnerable to abandonment. At least I am in my head. I don't have control issues like I have to always control what is going on, but I have to have something I can control. Something, not everything, just something. This causes fights sometimes. Laura doesn't want to be freezing cold all night long. She is normal. So I sleep sometimes in the living room with the even bigger window agape. But then try coming out of the shower in the morning and opening the bathroom door to the living room that is 23 degrees below. So I give a lot of credit to my wife for putting up with it, not without battle though. Once, the Red One came over early in the morning and found me laying with my lap top under my desk on the cold basement floor with a heater. It was embarrassing, but we still laugh about it.

I find myself today with the same dumb fear of abandonment and the same hint of distrust that God is going to leave me. Over the last month, God has messed me up. He has changed everything I thought I knew, and reminded me of so much I forgot. He has filled me with joy to overflowing. But still, I fear that it all will end. That in a couple of months when the newness of being hit by a truck and thrown for a mile wears off, I will lose the joy God has given me. I do not want to lose that. It is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and the fear of losing it is crippling. So I pray over and over for joy and to keep it, and to have more faith, and to overcome my unbelief. Because it still lingers. But for right now, God has melted me into wax and is forming me the way He always has. It is possible I will be poured out, but if I am poured out, I want to be poured out knowing that God is going to fill me back up.











Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Perspectives

It is fascinating that different perspectives you can get from the same stimuli. One can hear a song and images totally different than others are brought forward, memories that surface, even lost memories, with one second of the right stimuli. The smell of alcohol on ones skin can conjure up different feelings for different people. For one, it brings feelings of nostalgia and joy, for another pain and heartbreak. We all experience things differently. I think that is beautiful. My brother and I were raised in the exact same house under the exact same circumstances. Both of our father's took off, never to be heard from again. We both have issues with abandonment, but when you look at how we have both dealt with those issues, there are stark contrasts. I took the anger and hatred route, while my brother took the forgiveness and desire for reunitement route. Both of those routes have yielded no benefit, but both are completely different reactions to the same thing. These behaviors are interesting.

People should be more open to share what is going on onside of them. Nothing really is personal if you think about it. We really aren't capable of fully hiding anything, so why pretend? Why not live with your guts in the open? Why should we care so much about what others are thinking about you, when we all share similar story lines. We all have something buried, why not dig up that old hag and throw her off the roof?








Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Touring The World

So I was bored and looking through my Facebook and Myspace friends profiles and noticed how many of them have tropical cruise pictures in their photos. I want that! Why not meeeeee! I want to go on a fun and relaxing beautiful vacation to somewhere tropical. Even if there are sharks, I still want to go! My most adventurous pictures are from Mackinaw Island in my home state, or karaokeing on my birthday. These people have pictures from some of the worlds 8 wonders. I want to see things. I want to go there. One of these days I am going to embark on the great American journey, that will span across the US and then the world! I want to see things, like the worlds largest ball of cheese and the pancake that resembles Jesus. I should start speaking around the country. How the heck do you get your foot in that door anyway? I can hype up a bunch of people. I can write a book. Might not be good, but I can write it. I then could use my literary prowess to tour the world instead of sitting here forever in Michigan. Granted that Michigan is one of the most beautiful places, I still want more.

I had a reader from Iceland the other day. I want to see Iceland so bad. Invite me to your house if you are still reading my blog. I will speak to your church about how to get hit by a truck and survive or something, anything to get me there.












Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Departure

I have made a covenant with my mouth to speak only when God gives me something to say.


If the Spirit of God were to depart from you taking all of it's fruits with it, do you think you would even notice. This is a question that has been weighing on me. Right now, yes! I believe that right now if He were to depart, I would fall apart immediately. Because right now I am living desperate for Him. I think of Him first thing in the morning and last thing at night. My devotion time is the most intimate I have ever experienced and still I am expecting more. But I am not sure about the past several years. I'm not so sure I would notice a difference at least for a while, and that thought saddens me greatly because I always wanted that relationship with God that I absolutely could not go a day without and those days have come, but they had also gone. I want to be that desperate for Him every day. I want to notice if He turns His face from me and I want to be desperate for Him to look back. I want the relationship Jesus had with His Father as he hung on the cross. He noticed instantly the departure. I am thankful that God will never depart from us because of Jesus, but know that living our lives by the Spirit of God means so much more than we could imagine.










Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

I Lied About Being The Mechanical Type

I would suggest that most bloggers are the artsy type. I think that is why we write; because we can't express ourselves in fixing our brakes. When I talk to those who are not the artsy type, they generally think I have screws loose. I think some of them read my blog as entertainment to see what peculiar thing I will say next. We are an odd bunch, but it got me thinking: Are we made this way at birth, or were we made this way through the ways in which we were raised.

I have never met an artsy person who hadn't had some trauma in their homes growing up or had crappy dads or none at all. My mom is an artsy type too. She went from one form of expression to another, throwing all she had into them until she won an award or something, then move on. Like she had mastered it. I do the same thing. I have written, recorded, and produced cd's, I have written a full feature film script, I perform music, I have acted, I tried to draw once, but gave up. My mom used to write, perform, and produce skits and travel all over with them. She wrote, recorded, and produced a cd, she was a clown for kids at our local church all the time, she draws really well, and she has written a couple of books. But she had this monster of a father and a completely screwed up childhood. I hate to admit it sometimes, but in some ways we are the same person.

So who created the monster? Nature or lack of nurture?
You decide.

Also please answer the following questions with yes or no in the comments section to see if you are one of the "Artsy" ones.

1. Are you the last one to come in from the camp fire?
2. Have you ever listened to music from under water?
3. Do you sleep well/normally?
4. Do you have depression issues?
5. Would you ever consider living on a boat?
6. Do you catalog memories by listening to music?
7. Do you like to picture what others would think if they were watching you at any given moment?
8. Have you ever been addicted to anything?
9. Have you ever changed your own oil?
10. Are you an idea person or a doer?
11. Do you have frequent nightmares?
12. Do you like Autumn most?
13. Have you ever taken a picture of a flower?
14. Do you stare at the stars or out the window a lot?
15. Do you frequently take the least practical route to doing something?

If you answered yes to more than 5 of these questions and no to number 9...You are the "Artsy type" for sure.
Less than 5, but more than 2...Maybe
Less than 2...no worries, you are pretty normal.













Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

A Defeated Life

I was living my life defeated. I had no idea. I really did believe the things that went through my mind. Nothing at all that I said or did was fake. None of it. I was defeated and had no idea at all.

I am going to keep shouting at myself on here about the way I used to live a month ago, because God is working in a way that cannot be me. If your have read my blog for the past 3 years, you can attest to a difference. I will keep shouting because if I don't, I sin. If I don't who will tell of God's work in my life, how will He be glorified if there is no difference.

You didn't hear me sing out loud about the joy that was building up daily inside me. You didn't hear it because it wasn't there, and I will not be fake. So you heard the lamentations of a person who has been thoroughly beaten from every angle. This defeat isn't the sort you expect to see. You would expect to see one lose faith, to backslide into a life of sin, to give up trying to hear God. I did none of these things. I prayed every day and studied my Bible. I tried to lead others to Christ. I volunteered my time and money to the poor and needy, the face of Christ. But inside I felt absolutely nothing. I was doing all of the right things out of the knowledge of what God wanted from His Word. The problem with living for the academics of God, is that it is easy to keep it just academic. If there is no experience of what you are talking about, no evidence, what you have is words. Even if the words are true, you don't have much.

I can now see the difference in application of these Words, with an unspeakable joy behind them. The Bible says give with a joyful heart. I get it. I think back to when I first met Laura. One of the observations she made was that I went no where without my Bible. I cared a great deal for the details of living a Spirit filled life. I listened hard for the voice of God in my life in the many ways in which He spoke. I had a fire and intensity about me that was noticeable. I lost so much of that. I began to rely so much on myself and my own experience, forgetting that God sees things so much differently than I see them. Because I am a fool at times.

I know I have bored some with these long and sunny blogs. Sometimes when you can identify with someone and that person changes everything, it is hard to identify anymore with that person. And truly I am not the same person. I am becoming who God wants me to be, by His power, not my own. Truly, if it were ever up to me, I would choose status quo, doom and gloom. My actions have proven that, because I allowed sadness to become my friend, not something I wished to overcome with joy. I filled up with depression and what came out of me was simply an overflow of what was in me. I am filled with something different now. I pray that if you are defeated, that God fill you up and change everything.









Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

A Light So Bright

I used to think I was pretty smart. People would say something about my negative attitude and I would blow it off, citing that person as being naive. Negative people simply see the world as it really is. Sometime this is true, I will not claim that we live in a good culture or the goodness of people for that matter. But not everything was as it seemed. When you choose lenses that are foggy, you see distorted images, like when you squint your eyes and the light appears to be lasers shooting at you. Negative people have the tenancy to squint a lot and to point out all the things that are wrong with the world and the Church. We easily give up on people and institutions full of people just like us. We shy away from people who shine too bright because that would throw off our equilibrium and maybe our whole way of thinking. We simply cannot have that.

But when you wake up and realize your entire demeanor has been a load of crap and that everything you thought you knew was distorted and wrong, you are forced to take off the glasses altogether. It is like driving with them on at night, you miss everything. Especially everything God is doing. Maybe if we lost those glasses, we could see the beauty that God is shining in the world. That God said that "In this life there will be troubles, but take heart, I have OVERCOME the world." That should give us joy. JOY! The Bible tells us that David danced for God in his under garments and said he would become even more undignified than this! This does not portray a negative life of doom and gloom. This is joy! The kind of joy God has been preaching about.

I have written here several times about my confusion with the verse that he came to bring life and to bring it to it's fullest. I couldn't understand that because I didn't feel hardly anything. I was missing the point. Which is?

Life is beautiful. It is a gift. I have finally found what I was looking for, I have life to it's fullest and getting fuller every day!

I have been reading Francis Chan's "Forgotten God" and in it Francis says that his greatest prayer is that God would shine through him and use him in such a huge way that no one ever could see his life as being possible alone. That they would have to concede God by the work done in him.

My biggest prayer is this. I pray that God would light me up, so that I could never even fake it, and God would be glorified without the hindrance of my attitude and foolishness in my life.

Another observation Chan made was that when God places something so strong on a person's heart, the rest of the Church has the tendency to try to tone that person down. To bring them down to their level, maybe so they don't feel so bad for their lack of passion. Don't let them quiet you, do not be toned down. For the rest of the Church, get excited and stop trying to quench the Spirit of God in someone's or your own life.

I realize that over the past few weeks, I may have convinced some of you that I am bi-polar. I am not. I am not known for any ups at all. I do not get manic stages, my wife probably wishes I did, so some things would get done around here, but I don't. This is God. This is all God.












Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Patterns

Rom. 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.


Maybe the pattern of this world has a way of imprinting itself on our lives. When we choose a lifestyle in which we love God, but look no different from the world and make no real impression of Christ at all in those around us, we allow this worldly pattern to become our pattern. We then find it difficult to stop conforming because these patterns and habits have become natural for us. So we pray and pray for deliverance from sin and the things we hate about ourselves, and nothing really happens. Not that we expect God to just supernaturally change us (which He can), but prayer just doesn't seem to be bearing fruit. I think this verse is key to what God is talking about in regards to freedom and transformation.

Take a look at our sin. What do we struggle with? Follow your steps back and trace the events of your struggle. What bad habits are a common factor? Are there small, even minuscule things you neglect or do or do that could possible play in to your struggle. I have found that it is the small bad habits that tear the whole thing down. Bad habits like neglecting prayer and Bible study, laziness in my quiet time, allowing materials that are not glorifying at all to God into my life, things like this change everything without us even knowing it.

Next, study the gifts of the Spirit. Ask yourself if God is shining in these areas of your life and if not, pray for God's Spirit to work in those areas. We do not have a God that desires that we be far from Him and stagnant, we have a God that is exactly contrary to that. Sometimes though, the process of freedom must imprint itself on our lives for us to stay free(though ultimately we who believe are free from sin). The transformation is the beautiful part.







Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Idols

I read the Old Testament often and always wonder how the Israelites could be so dumb and worship other gods, even sometimes directly after God intervening in their lives. Moses has been leading them through the wilderness while God provides their every need including manna from Heaven. He would lead them through stars and fire and miracles only for them to get bored and make golden calves. It never made sense to me, until I was praying last night for God to remove any idols I have put in front of Him. I think I was praying this in jest, I like to joke to God from time to time, He seldom laughs though. As I was praying I took a moment to think about idols. I know I haven't built any calves lately or bowed down to anything but God, so that's all good, but then I get this suspicion that this isn't all to the story. What have I put before Him. I thought about it and listed all of the things that I regularly put before spending time with God in prayer and Bible study and service.

Entertainment- Too often, I would rather watch South Park than pray.
My children- I love them with all I have, but should NOT love them more than God.
Myself- This one I put last, but is first. Laziness and lack of drive and excitement leads me to serve myself often, which makes the lack of drive worse. I ultimately drive to serve myself.

These may not be made out of gold (Like I could afford that), or silver, or bronze, but they are from the same place. They do the same damage. They hurt and enrage God all the same.

I then wondered what toll they may have taken on my old attitude. When the Israelites left Egypt, their journey should have never taken 40 years to get to the promised land. But because of their idol worship and cry-babiness, the original Jews never even made it. Not even Moses, who served himself and disobeyed God.

I can be pretty sure that my idols have held me back, for a long time.

There is nothing wrong with entertainment, nothing wrong with loving your kids, nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, but it is a grave mistake to place anything before our One True God.

He is loving, He is kind, He is fair, He is forgiving, but He is also jealous.









Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

3000 Pound Attitude Adjustment

My prayer right now is that if I ever wander back that God would be right there with another SUV.



When you give up on things, and allow a negative attitudes to set in, reality is hidden from you. You begin to only be able to see the world for the way you believe it is. You only see the bad. One of my favorite movie quotes is from Vanilla Sky when Jason Lee says, "The sweet is only sweet because of the bitter." Well that can be said the other way around too. I think I forgot that living in the goodness and grace of God is so sweet that it helps us to recognize the bitter when we see it. The difference lies in which reality you want to be living in (Sweet or Bitter).


I feel like I don't know where I have been for the last several years. I feel like I did as a new believer. Amazed at the power and grace of my God, and hungry to learn everything I can about Him. I feel like I have been given another chance to not allow deadly thoughts to creep in again.

I have been praying every night for a couple for years for repairs. That God would repair: (Here is a repair key for below)

My body- Physical
Spirit- Harmed from my own sin and grievance of the Spirit of God
Mind/emotional- Things broken in me from others that I cannot get out from under.


With one drunk driver, one SUV, one bicycle, one idiot on said bicycle, and one homeless guy, God sweeps healing hands over all areas.

Body- Obviously some things are given to us to glorify God and will remain even if we do hate them. But for our own good. I was drilled. Absolutely bludgeoned and here I sit unharmed. If you think it is coincidence, fine. But I simply cannot.

Spirit- A reminder that God loves me enough to keep me around and is still at work in me, reminds me that my sins are forgiven and that nothing will ever separate me from His love. God swept over me and reminded me that I do not have to hold onto my sin that causes more sin. I can let it go and walk away from it.

Mind/emotional- Forgiveness. I am making myself miserable holding on to these feelings and anger. It isn't worth it. This is not life to the fullest, this is not life at all. So I have been telling people how I feel about them and thanking them for the things they have done to speak truth into my life. God doesn't intend that we live with this pain when He is waiting to heal it.

I needed an SUV. If you search your hearts, you may find you could use one too. If so, pray for a smashing.


I am new. I am singing.










Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

My Impact

"What would your church (and the worldwide church)look like if everyone was as committed as you are?""How would you be missed if you left this place?" Francis Chan- Forgotten God


While I have been as quickly as possible making changes to my attitude and mind since my accident, I have also been analyzing my impact on the world around me. Both negative and positive impact. This was inspired while fuming over the liberal media telling us to reduce our impact on the earth. So I said, "Hey I want to do that, I want to reduce my impact." So I rode a bike, then was bludgeoned by an SUV.

Anyway, I have been trying to reduce my negative impact on the world, by reducing the amount of crap that spills out of me on a daily basis. I really want to try not to be a polarizing person. I want to be above reproach, so no one can have any valid bad thing to say about me. I want to decrease my negative attitude and unforgiveness. I want to glow with the power and joy of the Holy Spirit of God that dwells in me. I want it to be obvious.

I, in turn have been trying to increase my positive impact on the world. I want my church to be lost without me. My friends to not be able to make it if I were gone. Joking about that, but you get my point. I want to jump and do something when I see need. I have been examining the question at the top of the page for a couple of days. Truthfully, I think they'd be just fine without me. I hate that and am going to change it. I want them to need a miracle without me. Joking about that but you get my point. Well what would the church both local and worldwide look like if everyone was as committed as you are? I think the church would be pathetic in my case. People would attend, but over extend themselves trying to do too much and not doing anything really well. It would have dreams of doing something great and have potential put there by God, but wouldn't reach that potential, because of it's immaturity. That's how the church full of me would look like. I hate that and am going to change.

I pray that I would listen closely for God, so I don't have to get hit by cars to finally hear Him. I have a lot of work to do. A lot of forgiving to do. A lot of being forgiven to do. I am trying to tell people what is on my mind more as long as it builds them up in love. I needed to tell my mom some stuff, so I did. I need to tell others how I feel about them. Most of all, I have to refuse to waste one more minute of this short life living without joy in my heart. Without joy, our faith is not complete because the Spirit of God gives us joy.

PS. If I have offended anyone in this blog or by this blog at any time in error, or with callous speech, I am truly sorry. I can be far too harsh with my words sometimes. The tongue is the hardest to tame.

PPS. Practicing the fruits of the Spirit is the first step to joy.

PPPS. I love you












Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Who Took My Docs?

Tonight, I literally sat and pondered to myself, where my Doc Martins were that I wore in 1994. Not where in my house, they are long gone, but where are they right now and what are they doing? In some landfill somewhere buried under 150 feet of garbage? On the feet of some grundgy who never left the coffee house and took a shower? I really want this era to come back. I will be trying to bring it back the best I can, but who knows. I will be wearing my flannels all winter and hopefully you will be too!










Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

The Info Button

Blogs are a weird thing. They remind me of the short synopses you read on your cable channels when looking up info to a show.

"Zombie and the gang get arrested when trying to steal Neosporin."
"Zombie gets hit by a truck, the gang can't stop laughing."
"The gang must help Zombie win a race against time as he put everything off until the last minute again. That zany Zombie!"


One minute you are writing from one mindset, about tulips, and the next blog is about getting hit by a truck, and then the next about how weird blogging seems. I was lying in bed last night and it occurred to me how strange my blog must seem to a stranger and how scattered. A collection of strange occurrences written in no particular order without any lead in or follow-up.

I could stop this, however, this pattern is reflective of me in real life. I am just like those things. Like a skipping, scratched DVD that just jumps into a new scene leaving others confused. I show no context to others often. I think this stems from always having a different mindset, so many moods and dispositions I juggle. Kind of insane really.

Anyway, here is an injury update: Confusing pains in both legs, mainly the right. Swollen elbows that I bump against everything causing shrieks. Lower back looks like I am wearing a black shirt. Some odd pains on my breastbone. Right elbow is even louder when I bend it.

I spent the weekend up north to get some rest, however rest was not gotten. Woke up 2 of 3 nights with nightmares. I failed at relaxation.








Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

A Get Well Soon Wish From A Friend

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

I Feel Like I Have Been Hit By A Truck

What are these feelings I am having? I should be celebrating! I should be so excited about the outlook on my future. I should be laughing right now. But I am not. I am humbled, extremely grateful, different. But I am not laughing. This post will be long. I try not to write too much at a time to spare the reader from boredom, but I am going through so much all at once and I can't quite figure it out.

For those not on my Facebook, the pictures above were from the middle of the night between Sunday and Monday. Sunday night, while cycling on a main road at 11:45 PM I was hit from behind by an apparent drunk driver. He didn't see me, so he didn't hit the brakes. I was impacted and lifted off of my bike into the air at 40-50 MPH. It was in this moment that I had my most vivid memory. I looked up and saw sky as I was in the air about to come down. My only thought was that once I hit whatever I was destined to hit, I would be gone. The tires would roll over me and that would be the last time I opened imperfect eyes. So I fell slowly. I hit the truck on the windshield and that impact spun and flipped me off of the truck to it's left side, throwing me a lane and a half from the right lane to the turn lane. I landed for the second time on my front side facing the quickly speeding away car. I hit my head on the back off the windshield and on the front off the pavement, my helmet took 100% of the blows.

I lifted my head off the ground expecting to see Jesus. I didn't feel anything. Nothing from the impact to the pavement, which seemed to have lasted several minutes of falling. I thought I was dying. I could not move the right side of my body, so I began waving the left hand and shouting for help as at least 30 cars went right by looking at me through their windows and just drove on. None of them even called 911. I drug myself to my bike which was in a heap and held my phone right in the place I got hit. I got to it and called my wife first. I thought this would be the last I would speak to her, I still wasn't at all sure how bad it was, just that no one survives something like this. Just like no one survives a train. I called. No answer. So I called 911 and heard a man shouting to me. We was a homeless guy, who had looked up when I yelled, which apparently I yelled "What!" at impact. He looked and saw me upside down in the air headed toward the pavement. He ran into Meijer and called 911 and stayed with me. I drug myself out of the road to the shoulder and laid down calling my home number and reaching a scared and frantic Laura who snatched the kids from their beds and killed stoplights at 70 all the way there. By this time I had taken a mental inventory of my attached parts, my arms, legs, neck etc. Spent the night in the trauma center getting every test they could think of. The grill marks on my back were the most concerning to them.

I am alive! Nothing was broken...nothing! I am battered and bruised everywhere, but I get to hug my wife and kids. I should be celebrating.

Instead I am haunted. I fear for no reason, I am out of danger. I am crushed inside for no reason, I was saved and witnessed yet another miracle from my loving and powerful God, but all I want to do is cry, but I won't because these feelings are making me feel guilty.

Most people know that my biggest fear is sharks. The thing that scares me is not being able to see them as they accelerate from the deep and launch into the air for their prey. I feel the same about the truck that caught me from behind me with no warning. I just keep seeing the whole thing over and over again in my head and it makes me nauseous. Last night I would dose off to be wakened suddenly by the image of being hit from behind again.

These feelings I am having are not new to me. I think that is why I feel so sad. I felt exactly the same way after God saved me from the train tracks. I spent days replaying, and crying, and sick to my stomach. It feels the same, and it brings back some of those memories in a way that is more real than just vague memory, it brings back my emotions. I don't really know what to make of it.

I have a history of being hit and run. My dad did it first, then a long line of people after. I get hit hard, things you shouldn't survive, I don't feel it for a while, but I survive only to feel the pain later after the fact. And the perpetrator is long gone by then. They always seem to get away with it, although I know no one gets away with anything. Everyone is just so worried about themselves and what they will lose if they accept the responsibility for the mistakes they made. This might be the most disturbing part of getting hit. Everyone runs. Cars pass by and stare at the pathetic broken guy in the road and keep driving. Maybe they are afraid I am going to car jack them or something. A guy hits someone on a bike, doesn't know if they will live or die or if they are dead already and drives off, in fear of losing their freedom. A guy knocks up some girl and jets out of fear of losing his immaturity.

But then there was this homeless guy.

He had nothing, so he feared nothing. He came immediately to help me. He was drunk and stinking and he extended his hand to me. He was an angel among devils. It wasn't like he did anything to save my life, but he was there and stayed there until I told him he could leave well after the paramedics had gotten there. His presence made me feel comfort.

Maybe we all need to live as though we have nothing. Maybe it is just too easy to covet our stuff. I said this to myself immediately after I realized I was ok. I say this to myself with a shout because I had just previously in the night acted harshly to my wife over a flat tire on our new car. Now I can't stop screaming at myself, what an idiot. That's why I called her first. I needed her to hear me differently before I left her with my kids to fend for herself.


I do realize the scope of what has happened. I realize all the implications. I realize more than ever that God loves me and protects me. I realize that God still performs miracles every day. I realize that God is not finished with me yet. I realize that God wanted me to stop counting on my next breath. I realize that God wanted to show me that all things are under His control. I realize that God opened my eyes to my bad attitudes and how I have no right not to sing or to celebrate with joy and thanksgiving in my heart.













Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Heartbreak

Our hearts were never meant to be broken. We were never meant to feel such pain.


Watched Antoine Fisher last night on cable. Saw it once before. It isn't a great movie by anyone's standards, but for some, specifically those who have lost their parents or never had a good situation growing up, it becomes significant. It is an older movie, so I will not be guilty of spoiling the ending, if you were going to see it, you would have.

In the end Antoine gets this fairy tale ending in which he looks for and finds his family who abandoned him, and while doing so he finds his aunt who embraces him as family and throws a Thanksgiving feast for him regarding him as family to all of his family. Antoine Fisher wrote the film himself and seemingly all of that which was broken became repaired in a Great American Hollywood Ending.

The problem for me is. This is exactly how I wanted things to go when I finally found my father and contacted several members of my family.

Hollywood endings rarely happen. That's why they make movies out of them.

What happened with me was I got rejected again and again, by all I contacted. I was told I was lied to about my family all my life. "Sorry, hope you find the truth." "Can't help you."

The thing is, they could have helped me. Just by acknowledging the truth. I could have walked away smiling then. Because at least I had closure to the situation.

So here I am being asked to forgive people who don't want it, without being able to tell them what they did to me. This kind of forgiveness is the hardest kind. It is the kind that takes your whole life practicing, but never quite reach it.


But I can say this: At least I did all I could and have no regrets. There was nothing more I could do.









Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

The Great Biblical Clause

"But it was funny."

My pastor preached last week about these things. Being renewed, without the ways of our old lives. Living wholesome and Godly lives continually being transformed and renewed by the Spirit of God. It was a great talk, maybe one of the best I have heard him deliver.

Or maybe, just maybe I was impacted because I am guilty of sticking a foot in the waters of my old life. I can't tell you how many times, I spent useful time on things that give no glory to God and no real benefit to me or my spirit. But then said in hindsight, "But it was funny."

Does the ability to laugh at something negate the lifestyle we are called too? I don't think it does. Don't get me wrong, I am not and will never be a legalist. I have seen and found God's glory in a rated R movie and I have also seen blasphemy in a rated G movie. It is the matter of the heart and always takes our own discernment that God has given us to figure out what is appropriate or not. This goes for TV, Music, Food, jokes, and anything else that has the potential for sin.

When we keep one foot in the world, we stunt our spiritual growth. We slow down our momentum as we run the race God has plotted for us. Just like hitting potholes slow you down.

Our faith is about being transformed and renewed always. Unfortunately we do not always recognize when something we enjoy is hurting us.




Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Night Happies

Last night I had this dream, where I moved back into this rat infested house, we used to live in when I was a child. The house was a parsonage that none of the church pastor's would be caught dead living in, so they decided to rent it out. In comes my mother and two little boys. The first rat we saw was in the foyer where you first came in the back door. It was the size of a small cat and was riding my tricycle. My mom called immediately to get the problem fixed, so in American church form, the pastor sent the church janitor to the house with some traps and poison. He got under the crawl space and set them under the house. A week later, the foul stench of rotting cat-like rat came seeping up from under the wooden floorboards. The stink lasted weeks. No answer from the pastor. Once the smell subsided, we thought "At least the rat problem is over with," but we were wrong. I opened the cupboard to get the peanut butter, and what did I see? A rat already making himself a sandwich. We moved out as soon as we could find another dump to rent. This house was a nightmare and brings nothing but bad memories for me. For instance, our only vehicle was a small RV camper. My brother and I loved it. One night, it got stolen by the repo man, never to be seen again. Heartbreak. I hate having these dreams. I always have them too, the ones where your worst nightmares are realized again and again in vivid detail. These are the only nights you do not wake up to use the bathroom, you are stuck.

I hated school so much growing up...still hate it. At least once a month I have a nightmare or "Night terror" of having never graduated and having to repeat grades. Why does this happen? I do not ever, ever have good dreams. And if I did, would we call them nightjoys or nighthappies? Regardless of the word used...someone show me how to have good dreams. Old friends of mine used to tell me that they conduct their dreams and control everything happening in them. Does anyone else do this?










Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

The Church Of Who Part 2 (The Reprise)

It is very alarming or a least it should be that the American church is sacrificing and trading in Biblically sound communities for glamour and the allure of going to a "Cool" church. But it needs to be noted that no church has it all, it does one thing well at the sacrifice of another thing. There is balance in the force, at least while we still need to see through frames of sin. If you have a church full of all of the flashiness and splendor of Solomon's house, this is where the energy is spent. What is to be of the discipleship? Evangelism? The worship they have down, at least the smallest part, the singing. Do we need churches that sacrifice discipleship for cosmetics?

We do not, especially when some of these churches are teaching heresy. In my area, there are at least 2 churches who draw large numbers, that teach a gospel other than the one preached by Christ and His followers. Yet they are filling up their beautiful buildings with people desiring an easier church to be a part of, and the churches built in strong discipleship are dropping like flies.

Gal. 1:6 I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel— 7 which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ. 8 But even if we or an angel from heaven should preach a gospel other than the one we preached to you, let him be eternally condemned! 9 As we have already said, so now I say again: If anybody is preaching to you a gospel other than what you accepted, let him be eternally condemned!


This particular blog may make me unpopular, but what does the Bible say? It does not seem that the vast array of programs and services is a reasonable draw to a community that teaches a false or distorted gospel. If it is a gospel other than the one that Jesus preached, it is heresy. If that encompasses your church, let this passage be your guide to truth.

The church was never meant to be easy. God meant for us to be active and heavily involved in the church...all of us. Church should be hard and full of work, because that is what a spiritually thriving church looks like. Drawing a crowd to draw a crowd is dumb. If you are making your church a really easy and nice place to sit in the seat and listen, and sing, then go home. Don't bother. God called for a dirty church full of people with the Gospel in mind, and sharing that gospel in many different ways. You here the excuse all the time from many mega church leaders that getting them in the door is their goal and let God do the rest once there. So they build a giant and beautiful building, and fill it with thousands of comfortable seats. They do dramas, and high octane videos for viewing pleasure, then they teach a watered down gospel at the expense of the Gospel to account for the unsaved in the room. Never, ever offend is their rule. Then months later, their project is full. Full of people, full of programs, full of crap. Most in the room are left having no idea what the Gospel is really about because they have been seduced by entertainment and comfort. This is not the Gospel or the Church. It is a false rip off of what is far more extraordinary. The life, death, and resurrection of our one and only Savior Jesus.












Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

The Church Of Who?

I wonder what church Jesus would attend if He lived here today? Which denomination if any? Would He start his own church? The name: Church of Jesus Christ is taken. Church of the Nazarene is taken. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saint is taken. Church of Christ is taken. What would He do?

I wonder if He would be sad that His story and Word is not enough for our culture. That we feel the need to add entertainment and glitter to everything bearing His name. We can't sing and dance together in celebration without the $20,000 sound system or the arena full of people and emotionalism while lights dance across the ceiling and smoke is generated to create mystic. Can't we just celebrate and sing together without all that. Do we need carnivals at our services? Is that what people really need? If I want to go get entertainment, I will go to the movies, or a concert. I go to church for meaningful relationships with people deeply in love with God. We could do this thing in a basement with no PA. God is enough. His story is amazing enough without souping it up with artificial sweeteners. This is what people really need in a church.

Here is a list of things prevailant in the church that we don't need and should purge.
Pride, Arrogance, Dishonesty, Disloyalty, Fickleness, Shadiness, Sketchyness, Mona Vie products, T-shirts with our church name written on them, or worse yet, the pastors picture, Arguments, Excessive entertainment, Smoke machines, The Power Team, and Divorce.

This list is not comprehensive, but you get the picture.

I want to see the church who feels unworthy to says God's name, yet rejoices in our right to be children of God. A church where no one has it all figured out, but we plod together following just the Bible. I think Jesus would attend, obviously as the pastor.












Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Calling Out Lance

Busy, Busy, Busy says the bad magician who tried to melt Frosty in the cartoon. Not a really inspiring time to write lately, just so much going on. This has been one of the busiest summers I can remember and I am feeling a bit tired. So much for a nice break while school was out. On the upside I found that cycling is something I really enjoy. I also love to compete, but never have anything to compete at. So I will be training for next year's Tour De France. I also am an extremist and exaggerator. Pat got me an old road bike from Grand Rapids he is bringing home with him and we will be doing some riding mostly at night. Hopefully I will be competing with Lance soon enough.

Is it ok to trash talk Lance before you are good or know anything at all about cycling? I think it is. Lance I am coming for you. What kind of name is Lance anyways? Nice spandex. Live strong and stretchy. Enjoy looking at my butt Lance because that is all you are going to be seeing coming up here some time soon.

I hope Lance reads my blog.








Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Work

Awake, smell some coffee, go to work, come home, tidy up, laugh with family, get frustrated, watch electronic box, go to bed.
Awake, smell some coffee, go to work, come home, tidy up, laugh with family, get frustrated, watch electronic box, go to bed.
Awake, smell some coffee, go to work, come home, tidy up, laugh with family, get frustrated, watch electronic box, go to bed.

Shout at God!

As if it was his fault.

This is a curse of mankind. Work till our fingers bleed. Work that we sometimes feel no satisfaction in. Work that we do because we need to maintain what we have been given. Work that we feel under-appreciated in. Work that makes us dread going to sleep at night. That makes us constantly yearn for our 2 weeks vacation, if you get that at all. It is a terrible curse, a consequence of original sin. To top it off, we get to get old, get sick, and die too. I don't like it one bit. But this is the consequence of sin.

It is a very good thing that God has given us hope. Don't forget that He has changed you forever, and redeemed you from your sin, although we will still feel it's consequences. Living for God gives us a very good reason to keep going every morning. I often need a reminder of that when things seem bleak for me. I need to be reminded that most of the time, I love my job and have been so blessed by God to be given it. I remember feeling sick the night before because I hated my job so much and didn't want to go. I remember the 21st birthday in which I called my boss in the middle of the night and left a message quitting as a birthday present to myself. I could not have felt more happy, until the rent was due and forced me to have to move back to mom's for a bit.

God is with us, His name is Emmanuel because He wants to be here. Life is easier when we remember we aren't alone.









Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Coming Home

What do we have left?
Nothing.
No money? Food? Friends?
Nothing.
Should we move?
With what?
Can we start over?
Conversation over. I'm going home.



The prodigal son is my life story. Always going from one thing to another, somehow forgetting to bring the most important part with me. I tell the story and leave out the best part. You can run and run, and poke your nose into everything that pleases you in some way, anything that brings temporary fulfillment. Anything to make you feel less lonely, but in the end, you will come home.

Left to my own devices, I run to empty, sputter, and stall. Somewhere in the middle of the trip, I wonder if I have gone to far to have enough energy to get home, if I will drown this time, realizing too late that I am going nowhere, but can't turn back.

The prodigal son nearly killed his father with heartbreak, walked away through the gate and out of his life. No postcards, no letters, no phone calls home. No intention of returning. He had all this money and the opportunities were endless. He had so much fun spending it all, giving himself over to whatever came his way, whatever filled him up. Then he was broke and empty. He was broken from the false promises, the allure of the splendor of the big city. He had to go home, to beg for forgiveness.

It is beautiful that Jesus used this story. It gives people like me hope that He really means it when He say's "Nothing can separate you from the love of God." No matter how many times we nail him to that cross, He still begs the Father to forgive us, because we do not know what we are doing.

Have you stopped lately to really remember what that means. It is easy to get caught up in failure and start believing your are a failure. As much of a jerk I can be, He still wants me as a son. Coming from a person who had no dad, this is hard for me to realize until I look at my own son. He could reject me over and over and I would still walk in front of a bus for him. Jesus did worse to prove that.

If the devil has you. If you believe what he tells you: Remember what God said.

If it weren't for grace, I would be the person beating my back with the whip until I was out of strength. Because the whip was made for the fool. But instead, Jesus took the whip. Forgave me. And said this is enough. So it is.






Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.