It Rains

It rains. It rains. It rains.

Sometimes the rain is beautiful. It can give me the comfort to put me to sleep, and it can twist knives into my heart. It rains right now: And it rains hard. After a muggy day, there isn't much more refreshing than the rain running off your face. It was raining on Christmas, which was kind of cliche. It figures. My favorite day and my most comforting thing. Ruined.

I was driving all of the kids home today (All of Will's and all of mine. In my heart, Will's have become just like my own). Connor asked to hear some of my music I have written over the years, so I played him some from various bands I have been in. As we were listening, he asked if I had anything that had his dad in it. I did. I played him a song that had his father singing mostly back-up, but had this part at the end where he was singing alone. I looked back to see if the boys were listening and watched his tears fall like glass to the ground. I could barely keep my own composure to comfort him. They are wonderful and precious kids and it makes me mad at Will for underestimating his worth to them. He was their hero. Caeden reached over the back seat to rub Connors bald head, only to weep himself when Connor left the car.

It is one of those days where you want to question things. Where you want to rebel. I have to remind myself that God did not do this and it hurts Him much more than anyone else.

So these are my words into space: If God will let you hear. I hope you are so happy. It brings me joy to know how happy you are right now. I hope God will not allow you to see any of us right now, because that would steal your joy. I hope you realize that God will never allow me to give up on your kids, I love them like they were my own blood. I see you when I look at them, and I think it works vice versa. I miss you














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