I don't have anything to share of any use to any of you tonight. I just feel like writing. I have been trying not to write when I am going through depression, that is why I have cut down the writing so much. I realize that I write most when I feel this way and it annoys me to go back and see the things I wrote while in the dark. Tonight, I don't care, I am writing because I feel lonely and it is almost like talking to someone. It is something to do with my hands, and my mind other than think about negative things.
I just miss everything.
I miss my friends. I miss being a kid and not having this stress. I miss sleeping on The Body's bedroom floor every night. Don't get me wrong, I would not trade now for then for anything. I just wish I could have them both and never sleep. There is so much trouble in the world, so much death, so much sadness. Too many mistakes.
I am tired of making mistakes, especially ones I have made before it makes me feel like a fool. It does more damage to me than people know. Sin does damage, go figure. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, yet I keep messing up. I guess that is why God's grace is so amazing. But I don't feel that right now, I don't feel reasonable or Biblical. I feel desperate for things I cannot see. I feel blurry and wandering around. I forget things that are real, that I once held in my hands. The things of God. I forget that God holds me, that He has saved my wretched life, that He has set me on my feet and planted me to my face so many times. I forget because I am so blurry. I am sick of this. My wife listens to my ipod and plays the 25 most played and can't even get through it, the songs are too sad.
The pattern of my depression has always been failure of some kind. Depression follows failure. I fail so much. Not because I want to, because I can't not fail. I am human.
I want to be whole. I want to be perfect. I want to be free. I want to be healthy. I want to be humble. I want to be faithful. I want to be pure. I want to be something entirely different than who I am right now.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
2:12 AM
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Solitude
I complain a lot about having to work from home all the time alone. I assume I spend plenty of time in solitude and need more noise, but then tonight I went on a bike ride at 11 PM down side streets where it is quiet and remembered how noisy I am alone all day. I type and type and search and search all while the television is on in the background like an annoying friend that speaks to you while you are trying to concentrate on something. All day. Also, I have itunes in my ear, a cell phone texting me and sending out, Facebook, Twitter, Email, and calls. All day. I may be alone, but I am not in solitude, I am not at peace. There is a quiet that is also peaceful; "Peace and quiet." I could have ridden that bike all night, except my seat sucks and the butt was killing me. I tried the dangerous trick of lifting my arms to the sky and closing my eyes. I even gave prayer a go. It was really nice.
It would benefit me to learn to be quiet like in a library; for once in my chaotic life use my indoor voice.
Noise= I love it...And hate it
Silence= I love it...And hate it
It is good to find a nice little balance between the two. To live New York and Wyoming. I used to take walks when I was a drunk every night. I wonder why I gave that up with the drunkenness? I think the walks were a good thing, a great way to unwind and put things into perspective. If you only leave your house to get somewhere, you are missing out on life. We often forget the things in between running and retreating. There are moments hidden in the middle that you remember for a life time. I remember every step of the walks I used to take, but I can't remember what I did two weeks ago at all.
Find a way to be nowhere. Breathe in real air, not just the stuff recycled though your home vents. Talk to strangers about politics and religion. Hold the door open for old women. Spend some time alone and be different for a minute.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
It would benefit me to learn to be quiet like in a library; for once in my chaotic life use my indoor voice.
Noise= I love it...And hate it
Silence= I love it...And hate it
It is good to find a nice little balance between the two. To live New York and Wyoming. I used to take walks when I was a drunk every night. I wonder why I gave that up with the drunkenness? I think the walks were a good thing, a great way to unwind and put things into perspective. If you only leave your house to get somewhere, you are missing out on life. We often forget the things in between running and retreating. There are moments hidden in the middle that you remember for a life time. I remember every step of the walks I used to take, but I can't remember what I did two weeks ago at all.
Find a way to be nowhere. Breathe in real air, not just the stuff recycled though your home vents. Talk to strangers about politics and religion. Hold the door open for old women. Spend some time alone and be different for a minute.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Land of The Lost Cause
I wish I could tell you a hundred stories of the "Lost cause" turning it all around. I wish I could tell you two stories. Unfortunately I do not know of many, but I do know of one and that's all it takes.
My best friend took a deep sigh of relief when I confessed Christ sighting that he was scared I was the anti-Christ. Seriously. My mom called me Satan and my friends my imps. My principle at school tried to expel me a half dozen times only to find me sitting at my desk the next day due to my mom's friendship with the Boss. My friend "The Body" used to come over and help me to my bed from whatever I was passed out on or wrapped around most nights. He would then sleep on the recliner chair in my room to make sure I didn't die.
As the guy that was the lost cause, I now know how hard it is to be a friend to one. We are selfish, foolish, self-destructive or just destructive, and rude. It is easy to walk away from us, and impossible to hang around. You pray for us, you give us sound advice which we spit on, you help us with no expectation for anything in return, and you love us more than we love ourselves which is the base of the problem.
Tori Amos, yes I like her said in a song: "When you gonna make up your mind? When are you gonna love you as much as I do?"
I think my friends echoed those lyrics and I heard them, just didn't believe them yet. That is where Jesus does His work, in the broken and doubtful. He gave me people to love me, and worked in my heart to show me how much He loved me. Eventually He spoke too loud for me to ignore and I came around and my relationships started repairing.
In turn, I have been given Lost causes to love. They frustrate me, but mirror what Jesus did for me and that makes it easier to love them.
Don't give up on the Lost cause. Pray for them and don't judge them. Give them unconditional love as Jesus does and be positive, because God is at work. That is a good reason to be positive.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
My best friend took a deep sigh of relief when I confessed Christ sighting that he was scared I was the anti-Christ. Seriously. My mom called me Satan and my friends my imps. My principle at school tried to expel me a half dozen times only to find me sitting at my desk the next day due to my mom's friendship with the Boss. My friend "The Body" used to come over and help me to my bed from whatever I was passed out on or wrapped around most nights. He would then sleep on the recliner chair in my room to make sure I didn't die.
As the guy that was the lost cause, I now know how hard it is to be a friend to one. We are selfish, foolish, self-destructive or just destructive, and rude. It is easy to walk away from us, and impossible to hang around. You pray for us, you give us sound advice which we spit on, you help us with no expectation for anything in return, and you love us more than we love ourselves which is the base of the problem.
Tori Amos, yes I like her said in a song: "When you gonna make up your mind? When are you gonna love you as much as I do?"
I think my friends echoed those lyrics and I heard them, just didn't believe them yet. That is where Jesus does His work, in the broken and doubtful. He gave me people to love me, and worked in my heart to show me how much He loved me. Eventually He spoke too loud for me to ignore and I came around and my relationships started repairing.
In turn, I have been given Lost causes to love. They frustrate me, but mirror what Jesus did for me and that makes it easier to love them.
Don't give up on the Lost cause. Pray for them and don't judge them. Give them unconditional love as Jesus does and be positive, because God is at work. That is a good reason to be positive.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Father's Day Present
My friend Patrick drew this for his senior art show when he graduated art school. He made a series of works that depicted people who had been transformed by God in different ways. My beautiful wife bought this one for me for Father's Day which to me is the perfect present. I am honored to be a subject of Patrick's art, and reminded of how wonderful our God is. It also strokes the ego a bit to hang a 20/24 picture of yourself right smack dab in the middle of the living area. Fitting.
The picture is blurry due to my awful camera but in the picture is my beautiful wife, Me, My Son, My daughter, a set of train tacks, a train, the pope statue, the flat I used to live in, some seagulls, Mount Carmel Parish, and scenery surrounding the tracks. Patrick is an amazing artist, maybe I can get him to send me pictures to post of the rest of the series.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Blah Blah Blah Then Some Good Stuff At The End
Today is the first day of vacation! I haven't taken more than a day at a time in years, this whole week should be great. Except the wife is putting me to work during my sabbatical, shouldn't be too bad though. Wednesday we are going with some friends to Kalahari, an indoor water park without the kids, which some would say is the meanest thing ever, but it's our anniversary not theirs.
It has been a bummer since the Red Wings lost to those goons. I have kinda been just moping around. I was invested this year like no other. I believe I saw 76 total games this season and got so jacked when it looked like we were going to win the finals. Then we lost, now I hang my head most days. It's like I got dumped. I am in stage three though...acceptance and tears. I went through the whole anger and denial stages earlier on with the whining about the refs and the disbelief that we actually did lose. Now I accept it and weep and mourn.
Saw my oldest daughter last night. She lives an hour and a half away, so I don't get to see her nearly as much as I want to. She is getting too old too fast. Laura is amazing. She takes a really difficult situation, that most girls would run from and fights through it with me. She keeps me from giving up. She is pretty tenacious. Pretty and tenacious. Thank you!
Thinking about getting out the kilt soon. I haven't worn it in way too long. I asked for a new one for my birthday next year. We will see.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
It has been a bummer since the Red Wings lost to those goons. I have kinda been just moping around. I was invested this year like no other. I believe I saw 76 total games this season and got so jacked when it looked like we were going to win the finals. Then we lost, now I hang my head most days. It's like I got dumped. I am in stage three though...acceptance and tears. I went through the whole anger and denial stages earlier on with the whining about the refs and the disbelief that we actually did lose. Now I accept it and weep and mourn.
Saw my oldest daughter last night. She lives an hour and a half away, so I don't get to see her nearly as much as I want to. She is getting too old too fast. Laura is amazing. She takes a really difficult situation, that most girls would run from and fights through it with me. She keeps me from giving up. She is pretty tenacious. Pretty and tenacious. Thank you!
Thinking about getting out the kilt soon. I haven't worn it in way too long. I asked for a new one for my birthday next year. We will see.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Nevaeh, Heaven Spelled Backwards
http://www.detnews.com/article/20090604/METRO/906040477/Relatives-believe-body-found-is-that-of-missing-girl
This story makes me sick. Our world is deranged in ways that are unexplainable. I am sad. I am ashamed that a human could do this to another of God's creation. Nevaeh, Heaven spelled backwards suffered for the crimes of our humanity, our sin. I will always wonder whether or not our freedoms here are what is killing us. Rich people exploit and humiliate people by pushing pornography of all detestable kinds into our culture at every level. From grade school through adulthood. From sexually irresponsible children's shows to illegal but overlooked hardcore pornography available anywhere you want to see it. It is freedom of speech to make the garbage, but is poisoning our entire culture at it's core. Prostitution is illegal, but being paid to have sex with someone on film isn't prostitution?
How many people have to die by some sicko who got addicted to this stuff, which studies show is more addicting that heroine, before the finger is finally pointed in the correct direction. Pornography has been attributed to the start of the derangement of many serial killers, including Ted Bundy. Yet we are told it is natural to experiment and explore. Tell that to a parent whose child has been kidnapped by one of these pioneer perverts and molested and killed. Then we like to just blame the killer of the kid, sentence him to death, and pretend it didn't happen so we can think the monster has been killed. The monster is alive. The killer was a product of the monster that we protect under the veil of free speech. I believe and enjoy freedom too, but pornography is no a freedom, it is wrong. There are no cases in which is helps anyone. It hurts everyone involved, but it produces so much money. The porn industry even asked our government for a bail-out!
The Burkalator has been writing the city for couple years since this pornographic sex shop opened down the street from our homes and kids. This store likes to put really explicit things on the dummys and put them on display in the front window of an extremely busy street for everyone, including my kids to see as they pass. The store is located by a traffic light too, so for those who get to stop at the red, you get to have to sit there with this crap blazing the side of your face off. The city will do nothing, the store will do nothing, because our society will do nothing. So the monster will live and keep destroying lives, killing children, making molesters, ruining families, hurting women, hurting men, but generating tax money. Unless we all do something.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
This story makes me sick. Our world is deranged in ways that are unexplainable. I am sad. I am ashamed that a human could do this to another of God's creation. Nevaeh, Heaven spelled backwards suffered for the crimes of our humanity, our sin. I will always wonder whether or not our freedoms here are what is killing us. Rich people exploit and humiliate people by pushing pornography of all detestable kinds into our culture at every level. From grade school through adulthood. From sexually irresponsible children's shows to illegal but overlooked hardcore pornography available anywhere you want to see it. It is freedom of speech to make the garbage, but is poisoning our entire culture at it's core. Prostitution is illegal, but being paid to have sex with someone on film isn't prostitution?
How many people have to die by some sicko who got addicted to this stuff, which studies show is more addicting that heroine, before the finger is finally pointed in the correct direction. Pornography has been attributed to the start of the derangement of many serial killers, including Ted Bundy. Yet we are told it is natural to experiment and explore. Tell that to a parent whose child has been kidnapped by one of these pioneer perverts and molested and killed. Then we like to just blame the killer of the kid, sentence him to death, and pretend it didn't happen so we can think the monster has been killed. The monster is alive. The killer was a product of the monster that we protect under the veil of free speech. I believe and enjoy freedom too, but pornography is no a freedom, it is wrong. There are no cases in which is helps anyone. It hurts everyone involved, but it produces so much money. The porn industry even asked our government for a bail-out!
The Burkalator has been writing the city for couple years since this pornographic sex shop opened down the street from our homes and kids. This store likes to put really explicit things on the dummys and put them on display in the front window of an extremely busy street for everyone, including my kids to see as they pass. The store is located by a traffic light too, so for those who get to stop at the red, you get to have to sit there with this crap blazing the side of your face off. The city will do nothing, the store will do nothing, because our society will do nothing. So the monster will live and keep destroying lives, killing children, making molesters, ruining families, hurting women, hurting men, but generating tax money. Unless we all do something.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Life After Death
What are your biggest fears and hopes about death?
Lately my small group have been studying the resurrected body of Jesus and it's parallel to our resurrected bodies. While going through this, it was pretty clear that many fear death because of the unknown after-death or after-life however you want to chew it. It can be pretty disheartening to not know what is on the other side of that big black door. You have no choice but to open it and enter through, but the anticipation of it, can be crippling for some people.
This morning I woke up thinking about this life-after-death the Bible talks about. A life that is not separate from your life now, but your life perfected. Your body perfected, but the same body. Much like the New Heaven and earth will be perfected versions of the old one that had passed away. The Bible says, no mind has ever conceived what God has in store for those that at love Him. So why do we still fear?
I don't know.
I do know that if I am able to go anywhere I want at any time, that would be great. I know that being able to stand before my God, face to face and speak to Him is the greatest hope I have. It will be nice to shed this skin for another souped up version. To enjoy life as it was intended to be lived...For eternity.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
Lately my small group have been studying the resurrected body of Jesus and it's parallel to our resurrected bodies. While going through this, it was pretty clear that many fear death because of the unknown after-death or after-life however you want to chew it. It can be pretty disheartening to not know what is on the other side of that big black door. You have no choice but to open it and enter through, but the anticipation of it, can be crippling for some people.
This morning I woke up thinking about this life-after-death the Bible talks about. A life that is not separate from your life now, but your life perfected. Your body perfected, but the same body. Much like the New Heaven and earth will be perfected versions of the old one that had passed away. The Bible says, no mind has ever conceived what God has in store for those that at love Him. So why do we still fear?
I don't know.
I do know that if I am able to go anywhere I want at any time, that would be great. I know that being able to stand before my God, face to face and speak to Him is the greatest hope I have. It will be nice to shed this skin for another souped up version. To enjoy life as it was intended to be lived...For eternity.
Sing.
Migrate.
™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
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