Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Thing That Separates Us From God


Not writing a ton lately. Usually this means things are going well or at least average. I am happy to report that things are going well with me. Not because I graduated nursing school or because I passed the state boards, or that I have my first interview on Monday, but because I have re-prioritized my life. School did something terrible in me. It made me read my Bible as a chore instead of as a life boat. I was always thinking, "I should study," instead of thinking, "There is nothing more important than this." Shame on me because of my folly, I became a belligerent Christian, intolerant of the things that put the breath in my lungs.

You always realize you're an idiot when you are at a red light and cursing the guy next to you for driving at just a speed to keep you from passing, but enough to keep you 5 miles under the speed limit. He is an old man. He is missing his wife that may be in Heaven and remembering their Saturday nights. This is the guy I want to get mad at? This guy? Really? I tell myself to "Stop it!" But frustration wins often. Frustration tells me I am messing up.

This past week, I have put an end to it. I have closed the doors that open while I should be spending my time with God. I have amputated the things that cause infection. I have set aside a significant amount of time to talk to God, and read what He has said. The result.........?

Everything has changed.

God is faithful when we are not. Always. I cannot remember a time I have been more satisfied with what God has given me. For the past year and a half, I have been avoiding things. I have been angry about Will so I have taken it out on God, as if He were to blame for human mistakes. If I used simple human logic, I would see that when a person is given the right to choose, he may choose the wrong thing.

I have been bitter. I have been so angry. I have given God what I thought He deserved...silence. I gave God what was left from my table. Meanwhile, He sustained my life. He gave me the things that make life for me beautiful....My wife, my children. I never acknowledged that He has kept my kids alive and my wife from harm. I only felt victimized by Him. This is a mistake. This is a part of the grieving process that needs strict attention. God is a provider, but also God. We have NO right to question Him because He is perfect. We seldom make the right choice. Freedom is based in humility.










Sing.
Migrate.






Thanks for reading...Z

Monday, October 31, 2011

Down 75


The sides of the path begin with buildings then move to company headquarters, then to warehouses. Somewhere an hour or so away, you will see a giant mall and retired stadium. Then pine trees. Maple trees. Spruce. Then oak. It is the route to "Up North" which in Michigan has become an official place. On the way you have to watch for deer jumping into the road and keep your eyes on the road while trying to watch the hawks weave around the silhouette of a Stay Puff Marshmallow Man looking cloud.

When we reach our destination, we read magazines and buy gasoline for the boat. We sit in the wicker and wooded chairs and sway with the wind and the distant hum of boats on the lake. All around is the sound of a big family...at least big by my standards. I was never used so many people calling themselves brother, sister, father, grandma, nephew, niece, cousin, or mother. I was used to my mother and my brothers. It freaked me out at first...having so many family members in one house, stepping on each others toes. It didn't take long for me to love it. I had never played catch with a nephew before. I'd never grilled hot dogs for 15.

Laura and I watch this television show called "Parenthood." Laura had to beg me to watch it with her because I thought it was clearly for girls. She won and I loved it from episode one. The thing that I loved the most was big and how close their family is. Rain or shine, strength or fault, they were always there for each other. I never knew I ever wanted to be in a large family. But here I am, in one. I love it.

Thanksgiving and Christmas was always great for me. It was me, my mother, my brother, and most years we had a straggler or two. I remember once I brought home a homeless man I found under the viaduct while riding my bike. I wish I had a picture of those moments...the one where the homeless guy is riding on my bike pegs and the one of my mom's face when I got to the front door with some dirty, smelly guy. She might not remember this, but she showed me Christ when she gave him food. He did not come in as there was something off about him, but my mom always had a big heart. We would watch the parades together and my mom would sit down and say this prayer: "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for the food you have provided for us and use it for the nourishment and strength of our bodies, in Jesus name, Amen." We would eat too much and take a nap, which I still do. We would then go see a movie, the three of us, and come home and put up the Christmas tree and eat the banana pudding she is famous for. It was great so imagine what a shock it was to go from one house 30 min. away and hug 40 people, then another 40 min. away and hug another 30. So much more to be thankful for than I had previously been accustomed to. It was shocking. Now it is warm.

Christmas. My big brother and I would wake up at 5 AM and sit in his room listening for any sign of movement from my mom to give us the slightest inkling that she was waking up. We usually made up a phantom noise and went running out into the living room, where she slept so we could have our own rooms, at about 6 or 7AM shouting "Santa came here!" She would sit up and grin and tell me to sit down and wait. She would stagger, still barely awake into the kitchen and get me orange juice and make a pot of coffee. The rule was, since I was hypoglycemic and definitely would pass out at times, that I had to drink a glass of orange juice before I could open presents. We would open them and go crazy until we fell asleep on the couches, playing with our toys. We grew up and Christmas became different and just as beautiful. Christmas Eve, we go to see Laura's family on her mother's side and eat a feast and open presents, but most importantly share in the second most important part of Christmas, family. Growing up, my uncles and aunts were all distant and I never knew any of them very well. The few times I saw them, it was like sitting in a room full of people that can't stand each other. It was so different to sit in a room full of people who care so deeply for each other. Christmas day, we open the presents with the kids and hold back tears thinking of Will and loving our excited kid's faces as they get everything they wanted. My mom and big brother come over and exchange gifts and we eat until we are full, then Laura and I fall asleep while we are all still talking and the day ends well.

I write all of this stuff because it still amazes me the way that God sustains a person from where they came to where they are. God was with me as a child and He is with me now. I was happy then and am happy now. Whether there are three of us in the room or 50, my God is always there too, celebrating life with us. I thank my God today for my family, who has become larger than I ever expected it to be. There was a time I could name my family...Mom, Jason, Andy, Will, Joe. Now I fear I would forget people it is so big and disrespect my love for them.








Sing.
Migrate.








Thanks for reading...Z

Top 5 Scary Movies

My top 5 list of scariest movies of all time. Though I have not seen all scary movies ever made. Here is my list of the ones I did and why.







1. A Nightmare on Elm Street- There is no more a vulnerable and inescapable time than while you are sleeping. Freddy could not be physically hurt or figured out. His passion as much as killing was terrorism of the mind. For many years after first watching it as a kid, all shadows were Freddy's blades.














2. The Ring- Every time a group of people watch this, someone gets "Got" with the phone ring thing by one of their prankster pals. I was thourouhly freaked out after watching this not expecting much at the theater at 3 AM.






 3. Event Horizon- Saw this one alone, in my room, in the middle of the night on a faulty VHS player. It's intensity is almost unmatched.








 4. 28 Days Later- Not the scariest horror film, but it is by far my favorite. Intense and creepy soundtrack and ridiculous camera work make this "Non-zombie" zombyish film amazing.









5. Jaws- The single biggest reason the world is afraid of sharks...besides the shark attacks. I was a weird kid, I saw this as a child and wept my eyes out, not because people were dying or that I feared the shark, but because Jaws died in the end. Creepy kid right?





Give me your top 5!!!!!!



Sing.
Migrate.






Thanks for reading...Z

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I Can Do.........


Today was a big win for me. I passed the state boards and became a registered nurse. For most in my class, it is just one of many sunny days. For me it was a culmination of a thousand thunderstorms.

This is a testimony to the power of God and His way of shaming the wise.

I am an idiot. My internal filter is faulty, my logical leads me to the longest route to my destination, and my stubbornness hinders me from following very closely. But God inside me is something special.

I have been told my entire life that I can't do things. It pisses me off and I hate it, because sometimes I believe it is true and at times it has won and I have given up. I even had a high school teacher tell me when she saw me with a wife and kids that she "Never expected this much from me." Something so easy...to marry and have children? These things are easy. Anyone and most everyone falls in love and most get married and have kids. She didn't even expect the easiest of tasks from me. The hard part is holding all of these things together.

The enemy's passion is telling you that you are nothing. His goal is to get you to believe it. Ask my mother who was told to abort me by her own father and left to her own defenses by my father. They told her to give up, the enemy told her to give up...but she didn't. Instead it pissed her off and she fought harder and raised two kids by herself. By the strength and grace of God I sit in this squeaky chair and write victorious. I have her spirit.

This is another testament to Christ in my life, that he took a bastard child and raised him up with sometimes nothing, clothed him in sorrow, drenched him in tragedy, shattered his heart, and made him one of His children. The world took my brother the year I began school, instead of derailing me, God used it to keep me busy and unable to sit and feel sorry for myself. The world told me I cannot go back to school full time while working full time and raising three kids and a wife at home. God made special moments with my family and gave my wife the heart to forgive me for what I have left behind for her to clean up and picked me up where I fell.

During this past year and a half, I have shouted into the open air about the unfairness of God. I have punched religious statues. I have punished myself in any way I could find for the loss of my brother. I have doubted that I really had it in me to do anything good. God stood there in complete disagreement. I think He is proud of me today.

I was at the gym after I found out that I had passed this miserable exam that was the final barrier to what I have been working so hard for. I was lifting weights and I got madder and madder at the thought of people telling me what I could not do. At least six times, I almost cried. The gym is not the place to cry. You do that on your pillow at night or in the shower so you can blame the soap. Not the gym, so I held back the tears and praised my God for His strength that He freely put in me. I have overcome much because of Him and am a living testament to His strength, power, and ability to bewilder the wise.

I dare the enemy to tell me I can't do it. Because I can.

Philippians 4:13 I can do ALL things through Christ, who gives me strength.







Sing.
Migrate.








Thanks for reading...Z

Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Few Of My Favorite Things


A few of my favorite things...

My God
My family
Wind chimes...and wind to chime them.
Train whistles
The sound of rain.
The sound of wind blowing things over.
The glare of street lights
The smell of leaves as they die
The Michigan Wolverines
The sound of the ice as you hockey stop
Christmas lights reflecting off the snow
Homeless people that call 911 when you have been struck by an SUV
People that pay attention to everyone
Cows grazing
Shuttle launches
The smell of new pencils
The sound of the wind blowing through the trees
Little kids laughing
Seeing people get what they have always wanted
Holding my wife's hand
Finding money in your pockets
Finding something you have lost
Writing things down
Thanksgiving
My mom's banana pudding
My own face in the mirror when pretending to cry
People watching me doing my favorite things
Being freezing cold and pulling the blanket over my face
Letting lightning bugs go
Knowing I am right and not saying anything
Justice
Michigan beer
Saying "I am sorry" and the person not knowing what I am apologizing for.
When people you think hate you stand up for you
Television
Sad movies
Sad music
Sad anything
The Counting Crows
The smell of Febreeze
Leather sofas
New socks
Soft bristle tooth brushes
Adult butt wipes
Scottish accents
Coffee
Old pictures
Duct tape on vinyl seats
The distant smell of gasoline
Snow
The Detroit Red Wings
Pretending to be dead
Old, nasty conversion vans with mattresses (Not for the perverted reasons)
Anything Scotland
Sleeping when I am exhausted
Playing hockey
Remembering how good I was at basketball
The feeling you get 1 second after finishing a workout
The taste of good steak
Really, really sad music
Stories of how people came to know Jesus
Memories
Doc Martins
Horror movies/zombies
Beards
Moose
Bears


I could go on all night. What are your favorite things?









Sing.
Migrate.







Thanks for reading...Z

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Nice Dream


I usually have bad dreams. I have posted before about a couple of them, but I get effected by them sometimes. This last night I had a great one.

I was sitting in a hockey locker room getting my gear on. I rose up and walked out the door to find something beautiful. I saw more than a thousand people screaming surprise to me. A thousand or more people, all people I have at least met. The guy that owns the corner store that I had words with the week before Will died. The guy that lives down the street and speaks to no one. A ton of people were there. My wife had set this all up...A surprise to me because my wife usually sets me up for dreams of her cheating. Of course she really isn't, but that is the dream I am accustomed to.

All of these people are here to watch me do the things I love to do the most.  She leads them to another arena where they watch me play old man drop in hockey and suck horribly. She then leads them to watch me play video game hockey, which I am awesome at (at least at the pro EA level). All of my favorite things get witnessed by thousands of people.

Best dream I have ever had.








Sing.
Migrate.







Thanks for reading...Z

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Home





A quick message to those that have strayed from their families for whatever enticement has engulfed you....

It is more beautiful in there than it is out here. You walk past the warm lights of another home glistening with flashing lights and laughing children and wish it was yours. Go back. Go home. Make it work if it is at all up to you. There may be people inside that are willing to forgive you and desire to lay on their dad's/mom's chest again on Saturday mornings. Some kids love to be watched as they sleep. Some kids want both of their parents sitting on that brown leather couch in the living room laughing with them.

Maybe it isn't so bad. Maybe the multitude of little things are small compared to the memory of that day you said "I do" to one another.

Stop and reconsider. Is your family worth fighting for? Is it worth dying for?


Sing.
Migrate.




Thanks for reading. - Z

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Ink

 
Base photo credit too: shichigoro756

It has been almost 4 years from the time I typed my first letter on this blog for anyone to stumble upon. I sit and think about all that has happened in that time, the ups and downs and the in between. I remember being a little apprehensive about posting what I would have normally written in my private journal, on the web. Then I decided that there was nothing about me that I wanted to keep inside anymore. The things that are kept inside have always caused me tension in my chest...this feeling of guilt like I was hiding something. There is nothing wrong with anyone being a private person, but there seems to be something wrong with me being a private person. I wanted to spill my life onto the internet so people could see all that God has done in me, despite my failures, weaknesses, and sins. I wanted to force myself to confess to anyone who would listen, who I say Jesus is, both in the Biblical-highlighter sense and in the very fabric of who I am.


I would check back in every day after a post and look at the comments, never expecting to have any, and I never did for the first few months until I got one solitary message of encouragement from Ashley Weis, who no longer keeps a blog or I'd link to her. This was scary to me. There was for sure someone out in the world reading my blog, sharing in my thoughts, and possibly judging my life. I got over the fear and kept seeing person after person sharing their thoughts on my words. It was exciting. I installed a statistics program onto my blog and looked at the map. I was shocked. Hundreds of people from all over the world had read my blog for whatever reason and had by freak chance gotten my guts spilled on them.


This is a humbling thing. I have never really bought in to that statement. This is humbling is usually said when someone is praised or critically acclaimed and in those cases, I always wonder how it would be humbling. I look at defeat as humbling, not success. But there is an aspect of humility that comes when you absolutely know that all good and perfect things are from God...That absolutely nothing you have accomplished can be attributed to you. It is humbling to see how God has taken my many defeats and made them victories in His name for His glory. Thank you to all who have been reading all these years.





Sing.
Migrate.










Thanks for reading, Z

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Politics in Real Life


This will be a very rare political post with no agenda or sway. I was thinking yesterday while watching congressmen argue with each other on TV while our country drowns...What if people lived in real life how the politicians do?

We would all have shiny teeth and hair doused in Aquanet. We would make our way through the crowds at the mall, kissing babies and waving while fake smiling at everyone we could possibly make eye contact with. Imagine if everyone was doing that, it would be a sick circus of clowns that look strangely familiar to news anchormen/anchorwomen.

We would get up from our horse ranches and have a cup of coffee and read what the world wrote about us, take a pony ride, eat a fritter of some kind, clean our butts with $200 a roll toilet paper-government issued, smoke an illegal Cuban cigar, go shoot some quail and possibly coyly shoot one of our friends/subordinates in the face, listen to the crowd shout about having no jobs and needing relief from the taxes and begging for less spending of money they really don't have, eat another fritter of a different flavor, go sit in on a meeting with a lobbyist who promises us $3,000,000 for our campaign if we support marriages between quails and fritters or unborn babies being bathed in foreign oil, go home and sleep with our wives or even a sub-wife or prostitute, then go to bed on a million thread count silk sheet-government issued.

What a relaxing life. This is debauchery. This is idiot-ry. Fool-itry. What would happen if we didn't ever show up for work and got paid anyways? We just got our pictures taken smiling all the time. What if we stole all of the supplies at work? What if we kicked a homeless person on the way in? What if we couldn't come to a compromise, so we shut down our jobs, but refused to suspend our pay? What if we sat in our $20,000 leather chairs-government issued and watched a CNN/Fox News/MSNBC newscast about how terrible a country or leader is and without real intelligence, sent our hard working and devoted heroes there to fight them? Then what if we blamed each other or the president for that decision so no one would have to take the blame. What if when your bank account was empty, you just wrote checks that weren't there to cover it and never, ever got questioned for it?

There is a very strong similarity between the the two major political parties. They both enjoy their luxurious and smiling lives and will do anything short of nothing to keep things that way, no matter what the country is going through. If you want to see the two parties come together and get things done, tell them congress is getting a pay cut or losing some power. Then the elephants and donkeys (Combine the two and you get a fat donkey- meant to be read how it would appear in the King James Version style of writing) will get something accomplished for the betterment of themselves.

I think this is why Jesus stayed out of politics.







Sing.
Migrate.






Thanks for reading...Z

Monday, October 3, 2011

Flames


I held fire to my fingers. I flicked the wheel with my thumb and the volcano erupted in a dancing light show. I felt the wheel heat up as I placed it under the wick, then a spray of sparks. The rocket was lit and after a few moments, it flew into the air.  It left a tail that weaved between the stars and shot into the atmosphere unlikely to return to it's origin. It's composition consisted of a used toilet paper roll, a huge wad of Kleenex, some glue, and a rocket bought in the middle of the night from a local Meijers. It was beautiful the way it sailed off as if it had a specific destination.

I lit mine and it did the exact same predictable things. We lit the rockets according to simple rocket science...make it straight, make it symmetric, and give it propulsion. Joe lit his according to Joe science...make it strange looking, make it square, and gave it fire. His lit because it had a rocket attached and flew 3 feet before veering off to the right and fizzling out.

At least his was honest.

Ours was a showing of what smarts we had. His was a work of art, descriptive of his passion. It died.

Passion dies often.  Especially when it's misguided. If he had the guidance that matched his passion, it would have overcome the atmosphere and lived with the stars. But it didn't. It succumbed to gravity and fell back to a foggy earth.

Our lives were meant to be lived with guided passion for what is right. Any other scenario will end in a rocket dropping back into your parent's back yard.

The Bible says (this is my favorite verse), that ALL things work for the good of those that love Him. I believe that, because I believe our God is good. I believe, despite my anger and rage for what He has allowed, that my God is still in control.

It has been a rough couple of years trying to convince myself of that. I have had times when I was playing the part because it was my job to, there have been times when I was sure everything happens for a very good and unknown reason. But to be totally honest, most of my time is spent in the middle... not really knowing. I am still so pissed off and cannot bring myself to an understanding that sin has taken hold of all humans still alive. And that God has reconciled ALL things to Christ. Somewhere in the middle is this emotional and misguided feeling that God is playing games that are set up for us to lose. Set up to make us feel stupid to make Him feel better.

I understand now the feeling of complete loss. I understand Job (somewhat, as his collapse was much worse). God isn't God because things are going well, but because He is still God and loving when things are terrible.

It's been the hardest year and a half of my faith. I have been so angry and acted out. I have made myself the fool, just to show him that I still had a choice. I have given God the worst of me, just to tell him how mad I am at Him. But when the noise had died down and the fit has subsided, He is still holding my trembling hand. God is still good, even when we blame Him for everything.

There are pieces of me scattered all around this place. Pieces I will never get fully back. But this is growth. You lose some of yourself and innocence when trying to survive the evil life brings. It is then you experience defeat. The next step is to reach toward God and take hold of victory, which is found only in submission.



Sing.
Migrate.

Photo credit to: http://dragonoflust.deviantart.com





 Thanks for reading...Z

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Another Side

Joanna Newsome- Sadie



The link above was my ringtone for my brother Will.

I have written so much about him, but I fear I have not represented him accurately. He wasn't all doom. He wasn't always this object of my collapse. He....

He was a real person. A person with likes and dislikes and a person that laughed more than the average person. He was just like me.

When I met him, we were sitting in church on a Wednesday night at some strange youth gathering without any direction. He was wearing a purple and greyish satin jacket that belonged to his father and smiled the smile of a million braces. He was quiet...just the opposite of his little brother Joe (Gumby on this blog). He was taller than anyone I could see and had really large hands. That's all I remember about the first time we met.

Soon after, I came to his house with his little brother Gumby. That day, we all watched CB4, a Chris Rock movie, and laughed through the whole thing as though it was a funny movie. It wasn't, but we laughed anyway. This is what friends are made of. The three of us became friends. Joe and I once hated each other and then became best friends. Will came along for the ride, but ended up my brother. All of this happened in the Michigan winter. The snow cleared and we were family. I slept at their house at the side of Will's bed. I moved from my home into a flat and Will slept in the recliner next to my bed. Joe and I woke up on a dock somewhere like brothers in a backseat.

He was an icon. The things I say probably are exaggerated now, but to me, he was a complete hero. He was everything I wish I was, and he loved me for who I was and wanted to be near me. I knew I had someone different than ordinary friends. The three of us soon became the Dead End Kids. We got in trouble and made it clear to everyone that we were not going anywhere. We weren't. We stayed for each other. It didn't matter the opportunity, we would not move away from each other. I still will not move away.

I think what we had in each other is what everyone really wants...We had unconditional love and respect. Will and Joe didn't care that I had a nervous twitch or that I was quietly sad about everything. They were family. They wore my badge and I wore theirs. They knew that there wasn't a single thing that they could tell me or do that would change anything and vice versa. I wouldn't have changed a thing...except the way my big brother met Jesus. We always dreamed of purposely getting kicked out of retirement homes and ending up dying doing something stupid together at 103 years old. Not parting ways at 31 years old. 31years is too few. It isn't nearly enough. But it is truth. Truth is He's gone and I can store up thousands of memories about him that are wonderful, but the last few eat my soul away.

We still are the Dead End Kids. We have gone nowhere. His ghost is everywhere we turn. We cannot leave. We are a part of the mess he left as he passed through.

So what does it all mean? Nothing. It means he is dead and we are not. This should be encouraging to you because we still have the chance to see the way the lights dance around the snow and the leaves fall red before being raked. It means he is in Heaven and we are not. We are here in a beautiful creation, experiencing a faulty human, wonderful life. You may be a dead end kid, but the dead end may be the place to start a new path. It's ok to remember the path while taking another. 

Photo credit to: http://sultan-alghamdi.deviantart.com










Sing.
Migrate.








Thanks for reading...Z

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Re-inventing Myself


It's been a long and sometimes very bumpy, but rewarding ride. Last Sunday I made my announcement...a decision that my wife and I have been miserable over making. I think the misery came more from the guilt we felt over knowing the right one to make for our family. It has been an 11 year ride as a youth pastor for Living Water Church. In this time, I have lost students to many things, even death and gained devoted staff, committed to the cause of Jesus Christ. It has been the best 11 years on my life. I can say that without a moments thought. I was doing something I love. I love loving teenagers as tough as they can be deal with.

I am on to different things. Not bigger and better as some would say. Nothing has been bigger or more rewarding than serving Christ in ministry full time. I remember the night we got the call after a very intimidating interview with a Q&A with like 12 people. I waited for the time they said they would call by, and just like Living Water's timing, they were late, so I was terrified. I had never wanted anything so badly. The phone rang and they offered me the job. I grabbed my soon to be wife and hugged her tight. I knew this meant family. This was what I had always wanted. I finally got what I wanted. To be honest, I had never gotten what I wanted. I fought for it with all my heart and got hurt and cut and struggled through my own weaknesses and thin skin and found my way to now. Right now, I know more about youth ministry than I ever have...and I am walking away from it...at least full time youth ministry. It is bittersweet. I cannot even explain to you how it feels to stand in front of a kid that was troubled and desperate for God 10 years later and officiate their wedding to another committed follower of Christ.

This is not the end. I will be taking on the role of a volunteer, non-vocational pastor at Living Water and will have my hand as much as I can in the youth ministries and anything else I can submerse myself into. I miss doing things for God just because I want to sacrifice without the lingering thought that it is my job in the back of my head. This is my chance to work on my weaknesses and devote my strengths to this church in different and exciting ways.

I am excited about the future, both mine and this church's. They both go together as this church has raised me and I have served and will serve diligently. Thank you to all who have supported me throughout the years. I will need your continued prayers and support as this church tries to transition in the smoothest way possible.








Sing.
Migrate.






Thanks for reading...Z

Saturday, September 24, 2011

And if You Don't Know, Now You Know


People think life is all about trying hard...that it isn't about succeeding or about victory, it is about trying.

It isn't about any of those things. Life is about submission.

Submission is harder to accept that defeat. Submission is giving up. If you were ever involved in sports, you have been taught that giving up is not an option. How completely wrong that is. Submission is the very fabric of our being. Let's take a look at some things we can control and some things we HAVE to submit to...

Things we can control:
Our temper.
Our weight.
Our attitude.
Our choices.
Our relationships.
Our appearance.
Many more small things.

Things we submit to:
Our birth.
Our death.
Our circumstances.
Our age.
Our God.
Many more.

In nursing, they call these things unmodifiable risks.  Things that you cannot control that can cause you harm.The former are modifiable.

Trying too hard will cause you harm. Trying to fix things for yourself or others will cause you both harm. Thinking that your efforts deserve respect or reward will get you. Nothing we can do is good.

The Bible says that even our good deeds are like menstrual clothes compared to Him. It is clear that we are helpless. God requires perfection. We cannot achieve that, ever. But Jesus did. That is why we believe. Because we are helpless to save ourselves. Jesus did the work, we submit to His death and resurrection as He did...even death on a cross.

God desires our submission to Him as He has overcome the world. Our efforts are futile. Our faith in Him produces results, just ask the woman who bled for years, or the man who died and was risen again, or the blind man, who can now see. God desires desperation and submission, not our feeble attempts to save ourselves.


Photo credit to: My good friend, Patrick Richardson- Januarybegan.com








Sing.
Migrate.







Thanks for reading...Z

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Redemption Under A Rock


I wrote it down. I wrote everything down in those notebooks. I wrote about the anger and the hate, the rage and defeat. I wrote about being hopeless and helpless. I wrote about death and life. I wrote about me against the world.

I set it all on fire and danced as it burned when I encountered Christ on my road to death.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't burned that stuff. Maybe it was just another hasty decision made by a very unpredictable person. But I doused them in gasoline, along with everything I had ever written and flicked a match on top and watched all my sorrows burn. It was beautiful in the moment. It was beautiful to watch your past go up in flames in the face of this new and beautiful future. I had never had a future in my mind. In my mind, things always ended in me taking my own life. For the first time, I saw something out there on the horizon. It took me seconds to make the decision to burn those feelings. I hated them so much.

I wish I hadn't. A true record keeper keeps the bad records too. The bad ones remind us of how far we have come. I have but one notebook left from that time. I could not burn it. I could not deny that night. It was the only notebook I left from the fire. I lost all the rest.

It isn't about holding on to the past. It is more about the reminder of the miracle of God and His personal touch in your life. This last notebook held my final letter to my brothers written over a previous post. I was so drunk, I didn't notice there were already words written there. It is barely legible, but I can make out it's point.

The point was goodbye. The point was that I still believed there was gold in the world, but grew weary of trying to find it. I had failed, not the world.

I tremble writing about it as I tremble thinking about it...the tracks vibrating beneath my head...the cold breeze blowing over my cigarette, almost putting it out. The night sky was brilliant this night, with it's colors and light beams. It was cold and lonely outside. I wept like a child lost from his mother. I wanted out so bad.

Wanting out is our way of excepting anything real. It is the bottom that some people need to take hold of what is really the truth. Even when God saved me, I still held close to my contempt for Him and my doubt that His hands were anywhere near me. I could not hold on any longer and I tried again. This time in a more uncertain manner...the blade. I could not even hold it to my wrist as I trembled, so I dropped it a few times. I shouted at God or the devil or whoever was messing with me and grabbed it again. I was certain this time and held the blade furiously. I took a deep breath and thought of my brothers, Andy, Will, and Joe, and then prayed for real. I had never really talked to God frankly. I had only gone through the motions with the "Dear Heavenly Fathers" and stuff. This time, He answered in a voice that does not reach my ears, but pierces my heart. A voice I cannot explain or prove. A voice you will probably not believe in. I dropped the blade again..this time for good. I reached the floor and prayed. I wanted to hear more. I laid there alone for days weeping the hardness from my heart. Weeping away all of the pain. I was healed. I don't even care if you believe me about God. What I care about is that you seek out your own experience with Him. Ask. Knock.


Photo credit to: http://drpip.deviantart.com







Sing.
Migrate.







Thanks for reading...Z

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Pioneers




What does a real human being look like? Life is made out to be a quest to at least appear to be subhuman. To be great beyond anyone's normal expectations. To be something the world has never seen before.

What a profoundly ignorant lie. What a seduction to believe we can be something that has never been, when all we are is a repeat of what has been over and over. I know it sounds harsh and rubs some people the wrong way, but it IS the truth. We are no different from those that built the same fires before us. We build with matches, they built with friction. The end is still fire. Every hair on our heads are counted, but so were theirs and I bet there are many with the same number as ours. But we are far from cookie cut.

We are originals. God does not make subdivisions. We do that because it is easy and profitable. He makes completely different models with similar characteristics...qualities that resemble Himself. God's signature on us to show others that we belong to him. Just like we hope that our kids look like us. God wants us to look like Him.

You may never experience a truly unique existence, but you will experience it in a unique way. Because God is that big and is infinitely creative. We are individuals despite our resemblance to those before us. We are unique in that no one person has lived in this time period in this skin with this list of experiences. We are the first to ever exist like us.

I like to play strange games to feel important, such as: Who was the first to ever fart into and armpit? Myself and Dan. Who was the first to burp directly onto someones teeth? Also Myself and Dan. It is sick and gross, but funny. Really fun to think that maybe no one has ever done this in the history of the world. Try it. Come up with something truly original. Post it here. I want to know about it.






Sing.
Migrate.








Thanks for reading...Z

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Mouth


Who wants to be the center of attention? I raise my hand. I always raise my hand at that question. I don't even know why and that is sad to me. Do I want attention? I don't think so, but maybe. Do I want to be the fall guy or the victor? I don't think so, they both make me cringe, but my hand rises above my head anyways and that will be that. The teacher, or boss,  or whoever will call on me anyways because they have seen enough of me to know I have no problem speaking in public.

I get mocked a lot and that's fine with me. I am funny, but much funnier as a caricature of guy that has no value in social mores or norms...just says whatever.

The truth is, I don't say just whatever. I say what I feel at the time as long as I don't see any negative harm coming from it. If I feel something is really messed up, I will tell you as long as I don't get the feeling that the truth will drive you further from the truth.

When you do things this way, there will be mistakes. I have learned through the years, some things to watch for. I will share them with you.

1. Most of the harshest and most honest people are the most sensitive and unable to take correction.
2. People who may be otherwise able to hear the truth, may be sensitive to a few different topics and will let you know when you have infringed on their ability to maintain peace with themselves. Even if it is the truth.
3. Many Christians do not like to question their own faith and get offended easily when you do. They may feel for whatever reason that you are questioning theirs.
4. You may be right, but you may make yourself wrong in how you say things.
5. The truth is, and was never about you finding it. It has always been about your being exposed and enlightened to it by God. Others may not yet have been enlightened yet, and to them we show grace.

Communication in the age of information is everything. People have digital courage on the computer and may not say the same things face to face. I think we should say all things as if we were face to face with our Creator standing right at our sides. If we think this way, we may not make so many errors in transmission of the facts of God and life, and the way it pertains to our existence.

It's Ok to be a mouth as long as it is the mouth of God. A mouth that shares the things of God and His Word. Anything else was found at the Tower of Babel.


Photo credit to: http://empressdementia.deviantart.com







Sing.
Migrate.






Thanks for reading...Z

Monday, September 12, 2011

White


There was one color. White. Snow was everywhere and we had the day off from school. We went to the park in front of Will's house. It wasn't really a park, but a lot of grass that had led a driver years prior to slam into his living room with his car in the middle of the night. It was a great day to play in the snow, even for a sophomore in high school that really wished he could be a kid again.

We called our creation p#nis de milo. It was an 8 foot statue of Frosty with a 3 foot ***censored***.  We may never have cared about it or what happened to our 6 hour creation, but we cared about creating something. I think that is what I miss the most about my brother, besides his hearty laugh, I miss his passion to create. Especially create with me. We invented toilet paper rockets and songs and tools, and so many phrases. At least once a week, I repeat one of them and explain it's meaning to my wife.

So much went wrong so fast. Never has anyone been hit so hard while carrying such a fragile heart. It really was the perfect storm. I was thinking about it today in church...people are terrible to each other. They really do not think of it's possible repercussions. Not that any one person caused Will to make this profoundly wrong choice, but many, including him made a series of destructive choices. People saw his innocence and gentle spirit as weakness, so they stomped him as much as they could to get where they wanted to go.  The problem is, they wanted hell instead of Heaven. They wanted the things this world offers instead of the truth. He wanted to be loved unconditionally.

Sometimes I hate living here...in this rotten world. Sometimes I love it, after witnessing a real transformation by God. Most days, as my friends know well, I love the beauty of God, but hate the evil more. This isn't right. This isn't what God meant when He offered "Life to the fullest." He offered much more, but we get caught trying to fix "Life to it's emptiest."

We can't fix anything. We are helpless. We are unable to change even one thing. It is God who does this work. God is the ONE that comes to save our dreadful existence.



Photo credit to: http://mj-gn.deviantart.com/







Sing.
Migrate.







Thanks for reading...Z

Monday, September 5, 2011

Life


Life is beautiful. Many times, we can't see that until it is in jeopardy. Things are designed. There are no chance occurrences. Life is mapped out. God knew us before we were. He knows and has counted every hair on our heads. Sometimes, it takes the most tribulating times and the most exhausting efforts to reveal itself. Life seldom comes to us. Life lays dormant, silently waiting for our grasp. Life will not force you to search for it, it waits for you to realize you need it. This is Christ. The Way, The Truth, and The Life. The passage to joy. The meticulously crafted and forged key that makes us kin to our Creator. Every moment is precious. Precious moments seem few to some. We have to open our eyes.

Standing in church this morning, watching the praise band play after my talk, I watched people's souls dance in unison with God's. I saw real people, worship a real God, in a very real way. I watched some of my students who have come from hell and were doubted to be anything, stand before God and sing and dance and let go of themselves for the joy of praising God. I looked at kids who no one would ever be able to envision as God lovers, close their eyes to the sway of joy and gratitude for the sacrifice of our God on the cross. I see lives changed forever. Proof of a very living and powerful God.

People without life hate those who have it. They do so because they don't understand it, not because they don't believe it exists. People reject the things they don't understand and yearn to find life on their terms. This is never going to happen. This is why I believe that no one ever can change apart from the strength, motivation, and spurning gotten from God alone. They aren't going to understand the change in your life because they don't want to. It is a scenario worse than anything they could imagine. The thought of trusting in something they cannot control. Some would much rather trust in something they can predict and fully understand. It's less scary, but it isn't life. It is death imitating life, to produce more death. And it is eternally sad that many will not choose life because of it.


Photo credit to: http://forfeit.deviantart.com/










Sing.
Migrate.









Thanks for reading...Z

Saturday, September 3, 2011

In Pictures...In Words


People see things in either words or pictures. A story is told or read and they see the story in the words that are printed and take them for what they say they are...or they see them in whatever picture their minds compose to understand the background and situation.

What if I told you this story:
A kid walks into his attic and starts going through the treasures stored up there. He opens a small box and pulls out a piece of his dead grandmother's hairpiece that is lying on top of his own childhood baby teeth. He moves on to the small metal box that holds a piece of paper stamped State of Michigan. The paper is yellow, but you can tell it was white years ago. It tells this reader that this one guy is this kid's father due to probability in blood typing. He moves on to a gun. This gun is heavy to him. He is baffled by it's weight and strength. He has never seen a gun like this. Plastic guns are light and fun, and this one was heavy and menacing. He puts it to his eyes to look into the barrel. He looks out at the wall and points it to his gaze. He pulls the trigger and hears a click. He does it again and hears another click. This is where he let's his guard down and pulls it again with a weaker grip. The gun blasts off, sending his arms backwards and his heart racing. He puts the gun down and walks away from it shaking.

I see stories in pictures, which my test taking book says is a bad thing. When someone tells or writes me a story, I see the words manifest in the way I would picture them to have happened. The problem with this is it is easy to confuse your own pictures with the actual facts. I am told.

When I read the Bible, I am in the story...at least from a 4th dimension on-looking vantage point. I see things as they are happening, not as they happened. It helps me to identify with the point of the situations, but not the details, which is why you won't find me posting about deep theological arguments here. I get the point and the rest creates no pictures for me. There is a place for a person that sees things in words...the theologians...the philosophers, but their place is somewhere miles away from me. I love deep thinking. I love thinking about God and the deeper things about Him, but I hate arguing about it. When I see and hear people in even a healthy debate, I walk away. It just isn't my thing. I came to know Christ, not because of words, but because of pictures. Particularly a picture of a really hurting kid in love with his anger and rage, waiting for someone to give him an excuse to close his eyes. This kid saw God save his life and rip him from the hands of the devil and walk him hand-in-hand to His Father. I understood God due to pictures formed in my head that describes the indescribable qualities of our Creator.

It doesn't matter the way in which you think. It matters the point of the story.

Photo credit to: http://marielou-ann.deviantart.com






Sing.
Migrate.




Thanks for reading...Z

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Old Apartment


It was the smallest apartment. It hadn't been updated in 30 years. It sat as the top floor of a 110 year old duplex. The carpeting was matted and had tracks that led to every room right through the middle. The bathroom was a pale, yellow floral wallpaper that I assume used to be beautiful in the morning when the sun shined through. The living room had a huge widow that overlooked the neighborhood, but it was covered by the overgrown branches of a tree planted 50 years ago by who I can imagine was some kid bringing home a small tree on earth day from school. It's kitchen window was it's window to the world. I used to stare blankly out that window just waiting for something to happen. Things rarely happened. One bedroom down the wall was my small tomb. During the night, I would put on Tupac albums and sometimes play track nine on repeat as a drank myself into oblivion shaking my fists to a cold and unforgiving world. "Life goes on!"I would shout as it flowed from his mouth. It didn't matter what had happened to me, or what was happening to me. This was my anthem. "Life goes on. F the world." This was a pendant on a necklace given to me by a friend I had. She knew I would like it when she got it for me. Everyone knew I was in trouble. Most sat by watching it, doing nothing...because they wanted to see what would happen next. Because I am and have always been unpredictable. But when they did see, most of them ran away. Jesus happened next. People don't have room for Jesus.

I drive by that upper flat twice a week at least, and every time I look at it, I peer into that only window to the world. Every time, I see my own face staring out of it. This was the home of my most beautiful and horrible memories. I realized the top and bottom of who I could be here. I saw both a glimpse of Heaven and Hell. I often think about me laying there on those tracks a mile away from this place. I think about being alone in that moment. The truth is, I didn't feel alone. I felt like I was weeping to someone unseen. I felt like I was giving up in the face of a victorious and vengeant God. I wept, all the while feeling the cold steel on the back of my neck. I cried so hard my guts felt like they were spilling out of my mouth. I wanted to live. I wanted so badly to feel something other than the sharp pains shooting through my head...and stomach. I wanted to believe in something that was true and honest and just. I was tired of being lied to and shown that God only loves you when you follow His rules. I never asked Him to intervene.

But He did. He intervened in a way that I could never deny or walk away from. God gave me something many do not get to see. God gave me a miracle. God let me see something miraculous to prove He was here. I am a blessed man. I get to live with the piece of mind that despite all the hatred and anger and pain in the world, I have actually seen a miracle. Some of you have too. Remember your miracle. Your miracle drives you through times of doubt.









Sing.
Migrate.







Thanks for reading...Z