I took the last few days off of writing to collect my thoughts and get myself together. I feel good. The medication is doing it's job for now. I feel like I can live again. I struggle with guilt for being OK, and I feel bad that I don't feel that bad. It is alright to live again, to go on with my life and give the ones who are alive around me, a better me. I had a bad day yesterday, the first in a while. I just miss my friend, that's all. I don't feel anger or guilt. I don't feel regret or alone. I just miss my friend.
But I can't help but to think about all that God has given me. I was laying in the bath tub and looking up at the paint chipping off of the ceiling of my modest house and realized how much I have. It may not be much of a home to some who are used to much more, but it is my home, filled with my people. It was given to me from God and I feel safe with all He has given me. My wife has been beaten up and drug down with me every time I have been in darkness and she deserves more. I can't even begin to figure out a proper thank you, to her and mostly to God, so I will just say thanks. A knowing glance or a nod of the head are not enough to give them, but it is all I have right now. I have never been so emptied out before. I believe now is the time to be filled up again. To breathe without constraint. To be sad without being crippled.
Eccl. 3:1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, 4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, 8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
Maybe it's a time to dance now. A time to be born. A time to plant. The time to mourn is over. I will not be held down anymore. I will dearly miss my brother every day of my life, but I will live life full of the grace and mercy and joy of Christ.
Sing.
Migrate.
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Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A Time To Dance
I'm a simple person to figure out. I usually write it all down here. I try not to pretend to be anything. I am what I am and that's good enough until it's not anymore. I want my kids to remember me smiling when I'm gone. Integrity is the very basis of a good life. I love my God, my wife, my kids, my friends, and I try to love all of the rest of you.
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This makes me so happy.
ReplyDeleteGod is good. i can't express how good it is to read these words.
ReplyDeletethese are beautiful words!
ReplyDeleteIt makes me happy to hear that man. The last few days I have been around you, I've noticed a good change. Just didn't know what to say without sounding like a jackass.
ReplyDeleteThis brings a smile to my face, in knowing that you are starting to feel whole again, more like yourself...realizing that it's okay to live life again, to go on and give the ones living around you a better you...we all go through times like that when we are not ourselves, when grief swallows us hole...but we come back and eventually live life to the fullest once more. Still keeping you in my prayers. You are such an inspiration Adam, your writing is a true gift, one I am thankful for.
ReplyDeleteI have an award for you on my blog, you can find the link on my profile :)
Have a great weekend friend!
Hugs
Terri
P.S. Sorry I haven't been by in awhile, I am going to catch up now