Worm's Tribute

Last night was our 9th annual Halloween party at the youth group. One of my students who I have had from middle school until now, a year after she has graduated came dressed as me. It was really weird and uncanny how much she looked like me, even my mannerisms she had down. I never realized what a caricature I am. It was so funny. She could have been anyone else in the room and no one probably would have known who she was. But because I am the way I am, everyone knew right away. I saw her walking up the street and immediately started laughing. She walked like me, talked like me, gestured like me, did odd stances like me, spoke loud like me, leaned on other's shoulders like me, stroked her beard like me, and so on.

Thanks worm for the tribute.











Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

I Want To Learn To Sway With The Trees

"It's 3 AM, I must be lonely."

As good as I have felt over the last couple of months, is as bad as I feel now. It is ripping my heart out. I have never been closer to my God, never been so observant of God's Spirit, never tasted more of the Heavenly gift. But now, I don't feel much at all. Depression still comes and it still tears away the joy of being redeemed.

I realize we go through times of trial and testing, but I had really hoped the joy would stay, the hope would be a remnant of what I have in my God. But it didn't. So here I am at 3 AM typing because I don't have the voice or heart to speak it.

God has changed every fiber of me. I think differently, even now, which brings me some peace. He has chosen to keep me sick with depression, for His reasons. But I still hate it...and love it. I hate that I love it. I hate that sadness makes me feel comfortable. I hate that I feel the need to write about it. I feel like a fool doing so because I have just spent the last 2 months telling everyone how God has changed me and how beautiful life is.

He has changed me, but has chosen not to change this. That's OK with me, if it is what God will is for me. I know He doesn't want me to suffer and I know it tears His heart out, but it must be done. It must be done to all of us in one way or another. We must be tested and tried and we must taste some defeat to see what victory really is.

I have been a believer in my Lord now for 12 years. Over the course of that 12 years I have been constantly struggling to keep it together. To keep myself from unraveling and shaming Christ. With God's strength I have grown through all things, and will continue to grow, because if I have learned anything, it is that God will never be finished with me, because I am His son. I just feel so ashamed to feel this way. So dumb to be writing about it, so selfish to put my wife through it. She can see it better than anyone. She always knows even when no one else does. But I force myself to write about it, to share it with others, disregarding my humiliation because I don't want to lie. I don't want to be fake. If you hate me, it is going to be ME that you hate, not some other guy who tries to say all of the right things.

But I do have hope. I do see the other side of the storm. I do remember where God has brought me from. I do know people care. I do know that life will continue and cars will pass by carrying people just like me going to places I have never been. This thought is nice.

I am going to imagine my van tonight and try to sleep.








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Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Camel

Mark 10:17 As Jesus started on his way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. “Good teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
18 “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone. 19 You know the commandments: ‘Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.’”
20 “Teacher,” he declared, “all these I have kept since I was a boy.”
21 Jesus looked at him and loved him. “One thing you lack,” he said. “Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 22 At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth.


This passage isn't just about money. The man asks what he has to do to be saved, and Jesus tells him it will cost whatever you aren't willing to give. That's why the man walked away so sad. I like to think he had a change of heart sometime later in his life and gave every dime of that money to the poor, but people are people, so I can't be too hopeful.

Some aren't willing to give our money, some aren't willing to give our time, some aren't willing to give our pain, or loneliness, some our prejudices. Whatever it is that you hold on to and will not give up for God, those things are your idols, your very own golden calves. Even our families. We must realize that our families are not our own, they are God's, given to us, by Him.

Later...

Mark 10:26 The disciples were even more amazed, and said to each other, “Who then can be saved?” 27 Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

We inherit the kingdom through God's merit and sacrifice, not ours. But that does not excuse our unwillingness to give all you are to God.

My difficulty is with my loneliness and the many ways in the past I have chosen to bring myself comfort. I smoked for years and in time that cigarette became my best friend and I always thought, "Well I still have you." Alcohol was it for a time before I knew God. It helped me sleep, but also in excess was rotting my insides. Substances are an attractive way to cope, but become the most dangerous, thus why I had to come to Jesus on these things. Whatever the vice, they are all silly substitutes for the real deal. Jesus wants us to come to Him and rely on him for comfort, even if it means having to give up something that carries emotional bonds in your mind like cheap substitutes often do. Whatever it is, submit to God, rely on Him, and be free.










Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Sleep Aids

My latest two sleep aids.


So I have a couple of peculiar new scenarios that I have been using to get to sleep, and these two might be the most effective yet. But they beg the question WTH is wrong with me? Seriously. I will post the two scenarios for the psychologists in the room to analyze what they mean.

1. I sleep in a conversion van with a mattress in the back. I am wanted by some kind of devious government agency and I am in some kind of hiding. It has to be winter time and snow has to be covering the van. The van, when running is charging a battery that will run the small TV, radio and heater all night long. I am alone in the van and hidden from the danger of being found.

2. I am also on the run, but in this one, my family is with me and we are hiding in my house in a war torn area that has been deserted. We stay only in the bedroom and have made a secret trap door under the bed that would hide us under the floor in the case of the authorities searching the place. We seem to be safe.


Seriously, why do these messed up scenarios put me directly to sleep? I think it is odd that I am always in some kind of danger from the outside world, but can never be gotten, but haven't the foggiest what that means.











Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Blah

Down today. Exhausted from last week and really would like to rest. I took yesterday off, but had the brakes in the car go out completely. Fixed the front two with money I didn't have just to find out the back was the biggest problem as I watched my brake fluid I put in leak all over the ground. Can't fix back brakes, don't know how, can't afford it, don't have the money for a couple weeks. Blah Blah Blah. I was also told I was surrounding myself with the devil, which was nice, because I sang karaoke at a bar in Detroit for Laura's work. Posted it on FB and in came some very ugly comments that I have deleted. I don't get it, why can't people just live and glorify God the only ways they know how and let God's Spirit do the rest? People seem to be content chained up. But for me and my house, we are free!

People seem to have a lot of fun attacking others without knowledge of their hearts or lives at all. It is weird because I have never had a conversation with either of these people and yet they seem to think they know that my heart is evil and live a double life because I went to a bar and sang a song.

It just shows me that we still have a long way to go in the faith and need to continue firm and solid education into God's Word.











Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

I Can't Sing Loud Enough

So Phil Wickham has a new cd coming out and is offering it early on his website. There is this song called "Cielo" where he sings the chorus "I can't sing loud enough, when I am singing to you my Lord." Then later "I can't bow down low enough" Then "I can't reach my hands high enough." This is how I feel today.

If you ever saw "Pursuit of Happiness" you will remember the scene in the end when the guy gets everything he was working so hard and stubbornly for. His eyes fill with tears and he proudly marches down the New York business man streets clapping with joy. I think this is touching because we all long to get what we have always wanted, what we have yearned for all of our lives...Our wedding day, our resurrection, our children's birth. I feel like God had to run me through fire to clean me off, to prepare me for His work. I have been a youth pastor now for 8 years and have always felt this passion for those that are hurting, for those who have been broken into shards, but only now do I really get it. Real joy is really knowing that your life has been lovingly spared for greater purposes, even if just love, the greatest of all. There was that scene in "Fight Club" where Tyler Durden scares the guy and makes him think he is going to die so that when he is spared, life will all of the sudden be beautiful. That is a lot of truth right there. But for me, it isn't being saved from death that does it for me, it is being saved from death by my loving maker...just because He loves me. That is the joy that we need to share with those who don't yet know Christ. The joy that makes you want to clap proudly through the streets for your God and Savior, shout from roof tops...the joy that makes rocks feel compelled to cry out... the joy that makes it Heaven to worship God in His presence eternally.

I know what I am turning into. I am turning into one of those cheese balls that don't seem to know they are acting a fool. I am becoming who I used to avoid, because of my pretension. I am becoming the man God wants me to be.









Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

I've Made A Lot Of Mistakes

We are a people full of mistakes, but if we never made them, how would we know if we ever got anything right. I fear that I never get many things right. I wish I could go back right now and apologize to every person I have hurt, and I know that number is significant. But I can't, some are gone...long gone.

When I surrendered to Jesus I was dating a stripper at the time. It was a new thing, so I had no real attachment to her except that I got the pain she wore all over her face. I wasn't even attracted to her, there was just something about a broken person that I could always identify with, and still can. I broke off any chance of a relationship with her when I was saved because I wanted no temptations in my life. I wanted to save her though. I knew Jesus did the saving but I wanted to be a part of that, His vessel. So for the next several months, I picked her up for church an hour away and took her out for coffee to talk about God, and God was working! She was excited, she was changing her mind! She even went and bought Christian cds to dance to! But then she embarrassed me. She interrupted our church service a few times and asked all of the women to pray for her to dance really well that night to make more money to get her child back from it's father. I felt for her, but I was pissed. Shame on me. I walked away. Told her I was done and walked away. She called a few months later to tell me she was moving out of state. She said it with such sadness and seemed as if she didn't want to go, she wanted hope back, she needed a friend. I told her good luck and hung up the phone. Most days I remember that. I was green in the faith and had lot's of issues to work out, obviously arrogance and pride were two of them. I get sad when I think about her. I know God controls all things and things go the way they go, but that doesn't get me off the hook for my judgment. She needed gentle correction followed by loving restoration and she got me.

Andrea, if you ever find this obscure page by accident or because God brought you here...I am so sorry. Please do not judge who God is because of what I did and I still pray for you.










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Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Where Is My Generation?

George Barna, a Christian statistician, say's that 20 somethings are the least likely people in America to attend a church service. This is no real shock as churches around the country have really struggled to reel this age group into lasting service in the church. College is an obstacle as well as juggling schedules, but what bothers me is the fact that so many of the reason's that the 2,000 plus polled gave for not attending had nothing to do with theology. It was things like school, work, etc. Some said the church had nothing to offer them, some said churches were outdated and irrelevant to society. These were the alarming statistics to me. School and work...Whatever. There are campus churches, and there are bodies in the college towns to get involved in. The Church should be first, not attended if you have some extra time and aren't tired from a long week. But to say the church is irrelevant is sad and misguided. The vast majority of the world's services are performed by that "irrelevant" Church. People are fed, crippled are cared for, homeless are sheltered, addicts are counseled and held accountable, hospitals are run, food programs, children are adopted, abortion is fought, art is made, and I do not have the time to write the rest. These are all services necessary for our civilization to function. Christ is at work in all of these things. To say the Church is irrelevant is ignorant. To say that it offers you nothing is an incorrect way of looking at the Church. Do you leave your family because they offer you nothing, or perceive it that way? No. You get involved and care for them, such should be done with the Church. We all know the famous speech by President Kennedy, when he says "And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country."

The same should be said of our churches. We have the tendency to blame the church when we are confronted by people for sin or for our wrong thinking. He hate to be told we are wrong because we are proud, so some of us get angry, shake our fists to the Church and walk away, citing the Church's judgement. We then preach how the Church is close minded and judgemental all because we are too proud to be confronted. Whether the confrontation came in love or not, if it is true, it is true. Jesus was not always gentle in his criticism, He was loving, but He was also sharp at times. Like responding to Peter with, "Get behind me Satan." Truth is truth. Get over it.

Then there are those that cite the Church as boring or just not my style. Wow. Read the Bible, the service described was not packed full of entertainment. They were readings from scrolls. Sounds fun. But it was never all about the format, it was the relationships, and I fear these are what people fear the most and avoid.

Then there are those that never give anything they don't like the idea of, a fair shake. reject it from the get go, and say really dumb things about people who worship.


The point is, the Church is Jesus' bride. His most beloved work. His blood.

How can we walk away and say such things? People are imperfect, but the Church is perfect and should be our greatest mission.










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Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Weak

You know what is weak? Broccoli. Even weaker? People who live life as if there were no consequences. People who recklessly trample all over another without thought, regard, or apology. A person who probably knows they did it and was wrong, but will never low themselves to apologize. That's so weak.


I can't and won't even talk about the people in the last few years that have just walked all over me without a moment of concern that I have feelings. I won't talk about them because slander is weak. Instead, I will choose to understand that people are people and will always be people who operate on their insecurities and will do whatever necessary to fortify their vulnerability. But as for me and my house, we will remain vulnerable for attack. Because we put ourselves out there. I don't care if people trample me. I don't care if people hurt me. Because I can honestly say that if I am wrong, I do apologize and correct my mistakes. If I am not than I am suffering as Christ suffered. And I rejoice in that. When we expect pain as Jesus told us to, we are not too disappointed when people hurt us. We see it coming because we live putting no one on pedestals. When we get hurt, we forgive, and turn our other cheek to be hurt again. This is the Christian way, because retaliation is weak.

I wish I could say I easily forgive, but I don't. It is a process that I have to practice. Avoiding slander and negative thoughts is a good start. Then add understanding and love to that and you make forgiveness...eventually. I can honestly tell you that the times I have suffered have given me thicker skin.

If you are an abuser and have to show your aggression on others to mask your insecurity. Stop it! That's weak. If you are frequently abused and hold it all in and slander the perpetrator. That's weak too. If you want to drop the gloves with every person that gives you the stink eye. Weak.

Take a step back. Analyze any credence to what the person is saying. Repent of any valid sin, make it right, move on. If there is no credence. Just forgive.












Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Control

There is a certain amount of comfort for me to sit in an environment that's cold, freezing even, windy, completely dark, and totally silent. Sitting under a big blanket, with a heater blowing on my lower half does it for me, it puts me to sleep, and it gives me comfort. It is strange for me, But I think it is because out there are things that are harsh and I cannot control them, but in here, I have complete control. I can think of several of those kinds of vices I have used in my life. When I smoked, I would just light a cigarette when I felt things spinning out of control or I felt vulnerable. After a while, the cigarette was the best friend and go-to-guy. But it was killing me, so I quit. There was alcohol. I had horrible nightmares in the months prior to trying to kill myself of me dying every night. They were the most real feelings I had ever had and the feeling would stay with me all day. So in fear of these nightmares, I would try to make my brain not work right by shredding it up with alcohol. So I would get drunk every night and that would put me to sleep spinning and the dreams sometimes wouldn't happen or I wouldn't remember them, but I got tired of waking up lousy. So I tried to kill myself, when that didn't work, I placed my trust in Jesus, so I quit the things that were destructive to me.


And I did place my trust in Christ, I had no other options. I had nothing. I had no one that could point me the way out of misery. So I trusted God, much like the guy in the Bible who out of desperation and lack of any options left told Jesus, "I believe, help me to overcome my unbelief." That is moving to me because most days this is how I pray, because this is how I feel. I want so bad overcome my doubt in Christ, but it lingers from time to time. Not doubt that He exists, I would be a monkey to deny that, but that He wasn't going to leave me.

Time to hear more about Z's daddy issues.

I would be remiss if I didn't try to explain why I feel the need for these comforting things. Why to sleep I imagine myself on a small boat in the middle of the ocean with engulfing waves over me, but completely safe from the turmoil. Things like that.

Some kids are untouchables, as I learned in traumatic psych class. They get beat up on, left, raped, abused, or whatever the horror story is and come out of it seemingly unscathed. I have truly met a couple of people who seem to have found a way to leave all of that baggage behind. I did not leave it behind. I carry it and try to give it to God. My dad left with no reason. Never met him. Probably never will. But it has occurred to me that I have some control issues going on inside me because I am vulnerable to abandonment. At least I am in my head. I don't have control issues like I have to always control what is going on, but I have to have something I can control. Something, not everything, just something. This causes fights sometimes. Laura doesn't want to be freezing cold all night long. She is normal. So I sleep sometimes in the living room with the even bigger window agape. But then try coming out of the shower in the morning and opening the bathroom door to the living room that is 23 degrees below. So I give a lot of credit to my wife for putting up with it, not without battle though. Once, the Red One came over early in the morning and found me laying with my lap top under my desk on the cold basement floor with a heater. It was embarrassing, but we still laugh about it.

I find myself today with the same dumb fear of abandonment and the same hint of distrust that God is going to leave me. Over the last month, God has messed me up. He has changed everything I thought I knew, and reminded me of so much I forgot. He has filled me with joy to overflowing. But still, I fear that it all will end. That in a couple of months when the newness of being hit by a truck and thrown for a mile wears off, I will lose the joy God has given me. I do not want to lose that. It is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and the fear of losing it is crippling. So I pray over and over for joy and to keep it, and to have more faith, and to overcome my unbelief. Because it still lingers. But for right now, God has melted me into wax and is forming me the way He always has. It is possible I will be poured out, but if I am poured out, I want to be poured out knowing that God is going to fill me back up.











Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.

Perspectives

It is fascinating that different perspectives you can get from the same stimuli. One can hear a song and images totally different than others are brought forward, memories that surface, even lost memories, with one second of the right stimuli. The smell of alcohol on ones skin can conjure up different feelings for different people. For one, it brings feelings of nostalgia and joy, for another pain and heartbreak. We all experience things differently. I think that is beautiful. My brother and I were raised in the exact same house under the exact same circumstances. Both of our father's took off, never to be heard from again. We both have issues with abandonment, but when you look at how we have both dealt with those issues, there are stark contrasts. I took the anger and hatred route, while my brother took the forgiveness and desire for reunitement route. Both of those routes have yielded no benefit, but both are completely different reactions to the same thing. These behaviors are interesting.

People should be more open to share what is going on onside of them. Nothing really is personal if you think about it. We really aren't capable of fully hiding anything, so why pretend? Why not live with your guts in the open? Why should we care so much about what others are thinking about you, when we all share similar story lines. We all have something buried, why not dig up that old hag and throw her off the roof?








Sing.
Migrate.


™Zombiehaven 2008. All ideas and photos are copyrighted under Zombiehaven. Anything used from this site, must have written permission.